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2001-04-06 05:05:21 (UTC)

I guess I m wondering first and..

I guess I'm wondering first and foremost what to write. I
heard about this site from my dad and I figured it'd be a
good outlet for some stuff I'm trying to work through.
Maybe seeing it typed out will help me sort things a little

I suppose I'm conflicted about a lot of things in my life;
choices I've made, choices I'm making, and choices I'm
going to have to make. I'm getting ready to graduate Magna
Cum Laude from college with a degree in Communication. I
thought it would be all exciting and everything, but I
guess I have lot of things looming over my head about jobs,
where I'm going to live, and so forth.

Adding to my frustration is a great deal of romantic
troubles; who doesn't have those, right? I started seeing
this girl from one of my classes back in January. We
started out pretty hot and heavy right off the bat, and the
situation was a little complicated from the get-go because
she had a live-in boyfriend at the time. Shortly after she
and I (exactly one day, in fact) became involved, she moved
out on him. She and I went on a few dates and hung out a
lot, but we weren't really a couple. After a few weeks,
she decided that she wasn't over her ex and that she didn't
want me to be the rebound guy, so we cooled it for a little
while. We kept a safe distance for about three weeks,
which was hell for me the entire time because most of the
time she was RIGHT THERE and I couldn't do a damn thing
about it. Finally, we both decided we couldn't take it
anymore and we hooked back up, spending a lot of time
together and really getting attached.

Before she and I had even met, I had made plans to move out
to Kansas City and live with my older cousin. When I made
those plans, I was pretty much at the end of my rope. I
didn't have any friends here, I was very isolated at
school, I hated my job, my family life was a mess...I just
wanted out. I thought a change in geography would solve
all my problems. I've gone through some changes and made
some improvements socially and emotionally, and part of
that was due to my great relationship with Tracy. Due to
some family complications and bitterness which I'll
probably end up discussing in a later entry, I decided not
to go to Kansas City, partially because I wanted to see how
things with Trace unfolded....BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.

Here's the thing: Tracy is a nationally-ranked fighter in
Judo, and she competes regularly every year in tournaments
all over the country; the sport is her life. Two nights
ago she broke up with me because she was too distracted by
thoughts of me to concentrate on the mat, so she's not
doing as well as she'd like to in these tournaments. In my
mind, that's twice she's burned me and I don't want to give
her another chance. I'm pretty sure that she has it in her
mind that this is a temporary split until the tourney
season is over, but I seriously doubt I'd get back into it
with her. I don't want to be jerked around like that.

So, yeah..that's pretty much it. Sliding back and forth
between calm and intense homocidal rage for the last few
days. Not quite sure where to go from here, and I'm a
little tired of writing, so I'm going to split....