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2001-04-06 04:35:48 (UTC)

wow, lots of blank open..

wow, lots of blank open space... hmm... am new at this,
have tried in the past to keep a diary/journal whatever you
want to call these things, but i'm so bad at keeping it up.
would probably do me a world of good...
::sigh:: today, today is a weird day. have been up not too
long, didn't have my zero period class this morning, so
that was cool. had a math test first period tho, and that
was okay, just didn't get one of the questions. hopefully i
did well, have flunked my last two math tests... not good.
i don't normally flunk tests, but i guess it can and does
happen to us all every once in a while. hmm... second
period, chemistry. didn't pay attention today though i
should have, wasn't in classes yesterday, was on the rare
fieldtrip (will talk about that later) and i was not
understanding most of it. spent the period sketching a
picture in my notes for the most part. surprised that the
teacher doesnt say anything, i sit right in the front, my
way to try and force myself to pay attention. doesn't work.
guess i'm not disturbing the class like the other people
are so the teacher doesn't care... third period was a
laugh, my zany religion teacher... ::shakes head:: didn't
have a lesson plan today so we worked on this group project
for after spring break. on jewish holiday, wonder how that
fits in with our religion this semester, right now we're
studying taoism/daoism. didn't work on my project, half my
group was gone anyway. wrote an email to a friend who's not
having the greatest time, and of course had to go
and eat it. grr. then when i redid the email aol sent it
five times. i give up. lunch was okay, talked with my
friend tiffany about some stuff that's been bothering me...
like what to do about my buddhist friend who is a guy who
believes i'm his destined girl. ::sigh:: i'm so confused. i
really like him, but yeah... he's buddhist, i'm
christian... he's really nice, too nice to me, but at the
same time i can see the little cracks in our semi-
relationship already... am getting together with him
tomorrow to write some poetry, am praying it won't rain,
please please please, i want to go outside to write! and
talk to him too... i really don't know what it is i'm going
to say, but i need to talk with him. to tell him that i'm
bothering myself... i think i worry too much, but i have
this definate foreboding that the relationship is not going
to work out, and i hate hate hate to hurt him. i really
don't want to... wa... i would just cry and get it all out
if i could. no, i'm not depressed, just very confused. i
think. LOL, i'm confused about being confused! hehe. that
makes me feel better. i don't know why! don't ask me why!
my answer may be right but my reasoning is sure to be
wrong! ^_^

i think i'd like to post some of my poems here, maybe some
of the haikus i wrote yesterday... o yes, i promised i
would write about the fieldtrip i went on! it was so much
fun! i got to experience a modified jewish seder meal, and
then we went up to golden gate park for a taoism/daoism
exhibit... the seder meal was fun, to experience another
religion, and the rabbi, she sang beautifully, praising
God. the taoism exhibit was fun too, but we only had an
hour to look around and you really need the most part of a
day to enjoy it all. that was OK though, cuz then we got to
go over to the Japanese tea garden, and that rocked! i
wrote like eighteen poems... not all of them were haikus,
but most were short like that. twas very very very cool.
even if you know absolutely nothing about Japanese tea
gardens or anything like that, the garden was just a very
peaceful place to be... when i walked around i heard
someone speaking in French, and many different oriental
languages (sorry! i haven't learned the difference yet...
though i would like to. learning japanese and chinese and
korean and yeah... i'm obsessed with languages if i can be)
anyway, the point i was trying to make was that there were
so many different kinds of people that were enjoying the
same place... it was very much so a good experience. and
now, i'll stop boring you and give you some of my ameturish
poetry... o yes, the three little stars mean the end of a


staring openmouthed
beauty lives in the garden
not wanting to leave
* * *

wind ripples water lightly
gaps mean as much as that which is there

peace pervades.
* * *

balancing branches
beautiful sunlight streams through
warmth permeates soul
* * *

steps to nowhere
jumping across lightly-
there is no stream.
* * *

petals cascading
follow the path-
supported by beams
* * *
(not haikus but still inspired in the japanese tea garden)

words cannot capture
the beauty
and awe
that crosses all barriers
enjoy it all
* * *

if we all lived like this
in peace and harmony
look at how green the grass would be!
* * *

a choice
a split
which way to go?
one leads to another
we shall see all.
* * *

only the sound of my footsteps along the path
the infinite circle

* * *

trickling softly
sun reflected on water
wind through the branches-
a bird’s song.
* * *

water flowing
bubbles on the surface
perfection simplified

laughter floats on spring breezes
smiles and love abound
beautiful music in the wind
perfection in sound
* * *

once more i travel round
still not hearing but a sound
living forever among the trees
that is what i wish my place to be
* * *

picture in the sky
warm sunlight
the embodiment of love
* * *

dancing shadows
breathing trees
happiness envelops me.
* * *

hope you enjoyed! i like most of em. there are some that
are better than others, but for the most part i think
they're okay. otherwise you wouldn't be seeing them! yup,
yesterday was a very poetical day... after talking with my
buddhist guy friend, i wrote some of these... i was trying
to figure out what it was that was bothering me about our
relationship, and i think that i've pretty much got it.
maybe in reading these poems he will understand what i'm
saying, cuz i'm not sure i can explain... will have to
think hard about it all before tomorrow afternoon, when i
see him... i wish i could just make time
so i could think for a while
it would be useful
for doing homework too.
hehe. more poems...

Each day
I hear more about you
Each day
I learn something new
Each day
I feel myself
taking a step back
Fearful of the pain
Sensing the distance
between us
that you do not notice.

I hate
being left behind.
* * *

You expect too much
I know too little
I like you
You are devoted to me
as you have been every other girl

do you notice
that I don’t want to be
every other girl?
* * *

I wonder if I’m too easy
so I cover my heart
to keep the love from flowing out
so swiftly…
time will tell
if you can earn my trust
my love

it will no longer be
quite so easy

your words
must belie your actions
cuz love
you notice
is a verb.
* * *

push me
in the direction you want to go
for I will not follow
I make my own decisions
but they depend on the evidence

I don’t know if i want you in my special place

convince me i do
and I’ll let you stay
for as long as
you can stand me.
* * *

I can tell
I’m on that same path again
and I really don’t want to be
there with you.

can you see that
that branch
over there?

that’s my choice
about you.

help me choose the right way.
* * *

I have nothing kind to say
what passed between us


your words melt my heart
but my face
will not betray me

you brush the hair from my face…

I long
to fall into your arms
but nothing
beckons me closer.
* * *

yes, the last one is truly how i feel now. i don't know
what to do other than give it all up to God. well, i think
this entry is long enough, and i feel better now too. as i
believed i would. congrats if you got through all of this.
love and prayers always...

do not cry over spilt milk, for the cat will always come
over and drink it.

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