Unholy and Dirty and Beautiful Me
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2001-12-17 07:08:07 (UTC)

The Way Things Are.

I don't know what I'll do. I have this horrible, dark
secret that I am too ashamed to share with any of my loved
I can't get over my ex boyfriend. No, we aren't talking
about JaC, or CoG, or DeB, not ToF, or MaD, not ShW, not
even MiS. I'm talking about DaD. D. The guy I was with for
almost 3 years and broke up with a year and a half ago.

D was my world. My best friend in the entire world. My
life. My laughter. My love. He was everything to me.

I keep dating all of these losers, each time wishing that
they'll turn out to be The One. I can't get past the
feeling that I've already loved and lost The Only One For
Me. I had him, we had eachother.

Each time those guys I've been with dissapoint me, each
time it ends up with me feeling like such a failure. But
each time I get past it, with ease. Like a breeze. I think
that there is something inside me that tells me no one will
ever compare to D. It's terrible.

Every day I think about calling him, at least once a day I
do. I fall asleep reminiscing about us holding eachither in
that very bed I sleep alone in each night.

I wish he hadn't kissed me. Hadn't told me that he still
had my pictures by his bed. I'm evil. I bask in the glory
of him treating KrW, a friend of mine he dated months after
we broke up, so badly. I fantasize about the way he must
treat his current girlfriend, someone he swore he could't
say he loved to because it was nothing like the way things
were with us. Why did he tell me that???? Just to torture
me?? Or was it true. If so, why is he still with her
(because as far as I know, he is)

I keep imagining myself calling him up, on Christmas or
something, just to see how he is these days. In my
imagination, he'll tell me how much he misses me & we'll
meet somewhere for coffee, like old times....and end up
back together.....happy, forever. It's depressing, because
I'll never have the courage and besides, I'm not going to
be a "homewrecker". I feel weird enough knowing that he
kissed me & let me fall asleep in his arms........seeing as
he had a girlfriend at the time.

But GAWD it felt so good that night, I've never ever felt
this way about any one. Ever. And I don't know if I'll
ever feel this way about anyone else again!!!!
How depressing!

I see it this way...either I'm a sick puppy and I need
professional help because I can't rid myself of these
feelings, or maybe I'm right. Isn't it true that you JUST
KNOW when you've met The One?? I can't tell you how many
people I've heared say this.

Oh, what to do......geez......I love that boy.

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