Borrowed Light
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2001-12-17 06:14:24 (UTC)

long time no write hey? well i..

long time no write hey?

well i am in my new house now where we dont have the net
yet so alas, its not my fault.

but lets get you updated shall we.

life has been pretty shitty of late, i wake up every single
morning and feel like i need about another 8 hours sleep.
Just standing and walking around seems to be a task because
im so damn tired and i just cant seem to shake this
nothingness mood im in, again.

the youth group dinner sucked pretty hardcore, or so i
thought, i guess i was expecting more, but who gives a
fuck. i wont be back next year. for those of you who know
me then you would have noticed my profanity and were likely
to have been shocked, but there is a reason for my
hostility that i will get to soon... anyway all we did for
the end of year breakup for youth was get formally dressed
show up, eat.. go home. throw in a few awards given out and
a bit of dancing.

i hate our church, i cant even sit with my guys friends at
these occassions because as a later revelation proved, the
leaders think they are a bad example!?. fuck that. the only
bad example is judgemental hypocrital leaders who cant
except males and females being friends no matter how much
they say they do. i definetly wont be back next year unless
its out of boredom. it really scares me that the foundation
of my life is an activity that revolves around how bored i
am. how boring does that make life?

these holidays havent been to bad yet, i have been keeping
myself relatively entertained i guess. joe wrote me an
extremely soppy and corny email telling me how he regrets
breaking up with me (surprise surprise) but when i get to
the real shit going on at the moment you will understand
why i hardly have the emotional capacity to deal with that
at the moment. all feelings have kind of been deadened, and
i know i can be a drama queen at times, but this is not one
of those moments. anyway i have to post up here the email
joe wrote me because my inbox is getting full and i dont
want to delete it, although i probably should, the loser...
you wont understand why i said that although there is a
reason. not one i can tell here thohgh because i wouldnt
want to tarnish his reputation (after all he ddi receive an
encouragement award) i cant believe they gave people awards
for growing closer to god. how wrong is that? thats not a
judgement for them to be making! anyway here's the email...
if you dont feel comfortable reading it skip over it k.

Dear Sam

I was going through all my letters (5) Also i was reading
the e-mails you sent me and they were really sweet.

What are you doing on Thursday night because Josh is having
a sleep over in he's garage (please come) and he is going
to invite everyone which is about 5 but that doesn't matter.
I know you don't really like Josh but please come.
Are you still having a sleep over at one of your places
like you said the other night?

The main reason im writing to you is to discuss a few
issues which are on my mind lately.
I've been thinking and i still you like you as a matter of
fact im in love love with you. Don't ask me what changed my
mind because i don't know all i know is that i've been
thinking about us and our friendship and i've come to the
conclusion that i wont you back.
I think i wasn't ready the last time but now i am im sure

Last time i was a bit cautious about being together because
i was worried about my friends but i don't care anymore.
You might ask how can i trust you again well besides my
word you can't, so i ask you to take a chance with me be
with me i take you places where only your dreams have seen
(that was out of my ass sorry).

Seriously sam i love you and im not going to stop, to
persist you until you give into my dead sexy body. lol
So please give a poor boy another chance for he would love

Sam i do not like Jen why would i don't like her
personality very munch.
Your the only one for me sam and it will always be that way.

Im not going to say ill under stand if you say no because i
wont and i wont let that happen.

So im going to go now and sleep and hope you thinking of
me, so please give me a call or if not the next time i see
ya come and talk to me.
Bye the way would you like to come to the dinner with me
well make an entrance.

Bye Love Ya

if you know joe that email is not very joe like and i hate
it! he tries to be who he thinks i want to be and it just
comes across fake, he's not who i want, but i dotn know
who i want, i just hate that email! hence the fact i
coincendently dditn go to josh's thursday night, but that
didnt stop the two of them trying to hook in with jen and
beck, yet i am still expected to believe he loves me oh so
much, what a load of crap...

anyway this entry is too damn long to write all the big
stuff in because you will be getting in bored. so go make a
coffee, relax and coem back when your ready to read it...


"I am Jack's smirking revenge."
"I am Jack's cold sweat"
"I am Jack's raging bile duct"
"I am Jack's broken heart"
"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise"

"On a long enough timeline, the survival
rate for everyone drops to zero."

both from fight club which is equally as a good a movie as

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