CiennaLarylle

again

Okay, over the last few days I had a great time. I felt
like life had meaning; I don't know where the feeling came
from, but I nonetheless felt happy almost. Unfortunately
it is gone again. I just feel like hurtiung someone else
or hurting myself, and all I want to do is cry; I actually
have to hold back my tears agian. I don't want to hurt
anymore, but I do. The worst part is, when I am happy, I
don't do anything; I end up just being a ditz. I don't
think. I don't read. I don't DO ANYTHING. and I don't like
myself that way AT ALL!!! so I have a double edged sword
ever following me, waiting for me to make a choice. Go
there this edge gets you, go the other way a slice from the
other. I don't know where to go, what to do, or what to
think anymore. I don't want to loose the intellectual part
of me but I don't want to be sad. I just wish I could come
up with something to do so I could be happy and have a
brain. But for now, there doesn't seem to be a "happy"
medium.

Although even if I chose to give up my brain, I don't know
how to go back to being happy. Depression sucks. It comes
and goes as it pleases, works havoc on my life and then
leaves for me to glue the scattered peices left behind. I
don't know how I am taking this but I hide it well.

The other day I had three people, who read my live journal,
ask me if I was going to be alright. (Or something similar)
I as I always have and probably always will deceived my
friends into thinking that I was jsut stressed and it had
passed. BUT it hasn't AND it won't. So I'm not quite sure
how I should go about remedying this situation, but I know
somehting has to be done soon; otherwise, I am afraid
something bad will happen.