Just somewhere to say things
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2001-12-17 02:08:27 (UTC)

The way I see it

I sometimes hold it half a sin to put to words the grief I
feel, for words like nature half reveals and half conceals
the soul within.

Tennyson said that. It’s true. I can’t bring myself to
tell her face to face, that it’s me that I have a problem
with……..all my thoughts….all my problems….all of the mess
I’ve gotten myself into……it’s all my fault. I can’t expect
her to love me…….not when I can’t even love me. I have no
rights to feel upset when she sees someone else, when she’s
intimate with another, but I can’t help but have it
happen. My gut begins to ache, I loose my appetite, I grow
melancholy. At this point it’s almost a gut reaction.
Several people have told me “She owes you at least
something, for everything you have done and are doing for
her” but I know that I’ll never ask for anything in return,
even though my deepest desires are telling me it’s now or
never. If I can’t win her heart now, then I never will.
It’s the truth too….what better time for me to do so then
while she’s living with me. I wish she would just
understand, or at least see what it’s like for me…….. I
don’t know that she’s ever been in the position I’m in,
loving someone that doesn’t love you back…… it doesn’t
matter if she does or not, I just wish I had the courage to
put words to mouth to say what I should. I went for a very
long walk tonight…. probably a few miles, not for real
sure. Anyways, while I was walking, I came up with a
definition for love, and because of this, I know that what
I feel for her is love not lust, or even passion. Love is
not having someone there to be your spouse; love is not
having someone to have children with, or to grow old with.
Love is finding that someone that you’re willing to
sacrifice anything for, and regardless of what happens, you
will always be happy with them. That is love, knowing that
you will always be happy, regardless of what challenges or
sacrifices you must make, and the ability to face those
challenges and make those sacrifices for that person.
I know right now, that she is the one thing I want
more then anything else in the world, and I am willing to
sacrifice everything to make her happy and to make sure she
is taken care of. I’m even willing to sacrifice the hope
that she and I will ever get together, if it will make her
happier. I’m trying to get to the point where I can be
happy with just the knowledge that I found the person I
love enough to do all these things for, but it’s hard.
It’s hard to love someone and want to share your life with
them, yet feel that you have to sit on the sidelines of
their life. Maybe I’m just wishful thinking.

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