Temple of Tranquility. . . (yeah right.)
2001-12-17 02:01:14 (UTC)

What's so wrong with me?

At this moment, things are confusing. I like Jake, of
course, and things aren't going well with that. He doesn't
talk to me as much as he used to, and I think he may like
Shawna. . . and she thinks the same thing. I see him and don't
say anything to him at times, because he's there at the
lockers with Fernando and Brittany and Shawna, and they're
laughing it up, having a great time. That just leaves me -
the girl no boy ever pines after. Chris - after asking me
out, then declining a week after saying he "still has deep
feelings for Christina Cate" - well, Friday night he was at
Mr. Video with his new girlfriend. . . needless to say, she
did NOT resemble Christina Cate. And Orrin. I thought for
sure he liked me. Dianne Urbina even told me this year that
he flirted with me like crazy in French last year! And I
felt like he really liked me and would ask me out. Not so.
Not yet anyway. And we hardly talk anymore. He flirts with
every other girl in French Class but me, and that tease
Christy Powers hangs all over him. Makes me feel unpretty.
But then, why when I wore my hair in that wet look was I
told by 13 people I looked so pretty? - "Like a model,"
said one guy. Carolina and Melvin both tell me I look
exactly like this actress on some Spanish Soap Opera. Yeah.
. . right. . . and Marianne Morris still tried to convince
me I look exactly like Julia Stiles. . . If this is so - if
I really am so beautiful - how come I see everyone around
me pairing off? Or being chased after? The obvious body
language gestures between those who like each other - those
gestures which have never been used with me? You'd think if
I really actually was "beautiful" I'd at least have been
asked out a few times by now. So you see why I have a hard
time believing the people who tell me I'm beautiful.
They're my friends - of course they'll tell me I'm
beautiful. If they told me I'm as ugly as the child of the
perverted consummation of a hairless beaver and a deformed
horse, they wouldn't be good friends, now would they? Oh
well. If I get no date for prom this year, it won't be that
bad. It's just sad when Heather has a boyfriend and I hear
about things they do together.. . shopping, watching
movies. . . This is why "Someone To Watch Over Me" -
Gershwin - is the story of my life. Everyone needs someone
to just take them in their arms and tell them that they're
beautiful, they're loved, and that everything's going to be
alright. Everyone else seems to already have had this. But
me. And it's this horrible feeling. It really is.