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2001-12-17 00:47:52 (UTC)

just got home from seeing..

just got home from seeing emily.
we had a good time last night. and that makes me happy.
i went shopping for a bit today...um. less than a bit
actually. heh. lots of people in a mall makes for an
impatient ashley. people made me mad today there. sales
associates. yes i may be a teenager. and yes i may not look
too professional. but you know...just one "is there
anything i can help you with?" would have been nice.
especially since i was looking at a bunch of shit in little
glass locked fucking cases. what really made me irrate was
when i NEEDED help. i was OBVIOUSLY looking at something in
one of those glass cases and not only did the bitch behind
the counter say NOTHING to me, when an older woman casually
stolled up to the counter. the bitch was all over her. "can
i help you with anything?" "would you like to
see...blahblah?" "what exactly are you shopping for?". yes.
fuck you as well my dear. anyway...
so tonight emily was supposed to be coming here. and her
and i were supposed to chill with ron. and maybe simon. but
simon has to work in the morning so he can not be out as
late as it would have to be. and ron has a boyfriend
so...significant others have first priority. so yeah. none
of them for us...i think i have called about everyone in
the 70 numbers saved in my phonebook. all of which either
have work tonight. or plans. or simply arent there. so...oh
well for that. there are other people i could call
but...either emily doesnt like them or she thinks they dont
like her. so they are out as well.
fuck other people having lives now. im not adapting to that
very well...
hopefully jessie will call me back though. i thikn that
shes working right now...but maybe after that is done with.
her and i and my baby can hang out.
or maybe not.
either way.
i hope emily comes here tonight..
i like sleeping with her. even if we dont do anything.

i am going to be seeing adrienne shortly. that should be
nice...i havent really seen her in awhile.
i feel like i never see anyone and when i do its just
filling in and talking about shit that weve done with other
people. like we never actually DO anything. hm. maybe thats
because there really is nothing to do in orlando...
there used to be.
i remember that.
but...i guess maybe the things i used to find fun to
do...are just really not anymore.
i used to be so busy with friends and people and shit.
and im just not now.
and you know.
it really doesnt bother me at all.
i feel sometimes like im a lot more laid back than i used
to be...in fact i know i am.
i dont like being rushed around and filled with tons of
drama and shit.
but at the same time. that leads to nights of not really
knowing what to do..
enough of that.
i really hope i can find what im looking for for emily. i
hope hope hope a lot. but...if i cant find the exact thing.
i wont settle for anything less. and its going to drive me
crazy. its already starting to. im so anal when it comes to
buying shit for people...it has to be perfect.
i do not like it when emily is in a bad mood. she is right
now...at least she was when i saw her before work and then
while i was there at her work.
not a good thing.
sometimes i think that she lets little things affect her
too much. uncontrolable little things.
but thats just a part of her...
and i love her.
so much.
i left a note on her car tonight. before i even went in to
see her. i hope its still there when she gets in her car
after work. and i hope that it makes her a little happier.
shannon and i got in a fight last time that we talked.
and that upsets me.
i dont like fighting with that girl.
at all.
and it seems almost every time that we talk now.
we fight.
and i dont understand that. at all.
i love her so much. i hope that she knows that..
shauns birthday is coming up. the day after tomorrow
i hope that hes back in town soon...i need to talk to him.
i miss him a lot. and since he went off to school we really
havent talked a lot. i miss that.
the best thing about shaun is that...i know no matter who i
am right now. or who i will be. or who i HAVE been. that he
loves me unconditionally. and that he will forever.
we are really so much very different people. so different.
and...just knowning that there is someone that can love me
so much and still be soooo different from me. makes me
really happy. hes so beautiful. and amazing. and smart. i
love people that can think..
im feeling icky about her right now. and i dont really know
why. there really is nothing to make me feel this way. but
im feeling it anyway.
i feel like right now in our lives were not supposed to be
close. or something. or maybe that she doesnt want that. or
maybe that i dont. and i dont know why...i almost feel like
shes not talking to me like she should be. and i dont like
it. i dont feel like shes letting me in like she used
to...like theres shit shes not telling me. or like she
doesnt feel comfortable talking to me the way she used to...
and its strange. but i guess its just becuase shes changing
so much as a person. and shes changed a lot as far as where
she is in her life..
lots and lots of that in my life.
sandra will be home shortly.
itll be interesting to see if she calls me.
part of me doesnt think that she will.
and i dont think ill be calling her either.
part of me wants to see her.
and part of me doesnt at all.
i think i should though...because if i dont when shes down
this time. i wont have an opportunity to for a long long
i just really dont know the girl anymore at all.
so its hard.
i dont know whether to be exctied or...not.
just a confusing situation all the way around.

my back hurts a lot right now.

i am not looking forward to working tomorrow night.
i think ill be working with one of phyllis' sons. and i
dont particually like them. or working with them
and if im put in jewlery. ill be pissed.

i miss sergio. i dont talk to him anymore. at all. we never
ever talk. and we used to all the time. everyday friends.
and now were just...i dont know. i dont feel like i know
whats going on in his life. at all. and i feel like the
majority of that is my fault. and i dont like that feeling.
i miss him. its just that...i really dont have time to miss
him. you know. he kept me sane. and now. hes just gone. so
thats done with. i dunno. wonder if the ny thing is still

anyway. im done with this. i need to get food for my baby.
but i dont really want to go out till i hear from adrienne.
i dont feel like driving. at all.

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