Sweet Child

Sweet Life
2001-12-16 23:25:09 (UTC)

Only way out

Once again, I fooled my self. I'm here think I have lost
all that I love. Just when I start to get used to this
wasted life of mine, I lose another. To think that I
thought it wouldn't get any worse right now, I have to deal
with grief again. Only not in death. At church, there has
always been this one person. Everytime he spoke & gave the
the lesson I was always interested in what he had to say.
He's one of my favorite people at church. Whenever I was
around him, I felt that everything was going to be okay.
Pete. I have always had so much respect for him. As a
Dodger fan, as the first person I met when I came back to
this church. In a way I say him as some sort of dad figure.
I just looked up to him. When he spoke I listened. I took
into consideration what he said. I felt close to him even
though we weren't always around eachother. We had this
little connection. Like he understood me. And now, he's
gone. He's leaving to go to a different church & I guess
teach there. I was too upset to ask any questions. I just
wanted to cry. He's leaving for good. And the worst part
is, just today I was think about how much I enjoyed his
company. I guess I just always though he'd be there no
matter what. When I left the church to rebel against the
world & I had to come back, I thought he would always be
there. But now I know he won't. How is it that I can lose
so many people so quickly. Just when I start to love them
or get attached they leave. I feel almost like they are
abandoning me. Leaving me here. While they all move on. I'm
stuck here & my only way out is through death. Yet people
keep on coming & going out. I'm tired of losing people that
I love. I know that no matter what I do, I will one day
lose everyone that I love. So I have decided not to love or
care about anyone anymore. My mind is set. I'm stubborn.
It's better to have loved than lost, than never to have
loved at all. Well from experience I know that for me I
would rather not love at all. It's either that, or my only
other way out. It's impossible for me to ever really be
happy. I was happy with Aaron, but look at how that turned
out. I have lost him too. My god I miss him. His sweet
touch that forever comforted me. The feeling I had when I
was around him that everything was going to be okay. I hope
he's happy. I don't want to think about him anymore. It
just makes me mad that God can bring these great, amazing
people into my life & just tear them away from me.