ego

egomania
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2001-12-16 23:01:04 (UTC)

multiple choice

Redalert03: do you ever feel like a little bug trying to
take everything in at once and its just too much?
ofelyaspks: well i've never said 'i feel like a bug' but i
have felt like i was choking at times
ofelyaspks: or that the burden i'm carrying is way too much
ofelyaspks: on all angles
ofelyaspks: i remember in health
ofelyaspks: learning about this triangle
ofelyaspks: it was you
ofelyaspks: or me
ofelyaspks: and it had three sides
ofelyaspks: emotional, mental, and physical
ofelyaspks: and the goal was to have equal amounts of all
three
ofelyaspks: in other words, you wanted an equilateral
triangle
ofelyaspks: but it doesn't seem achievable
ofelyaspks: so in my realization that happiness is
unattainable, i've thought
ofelyaspks: screw it
ofelyaspks: i might as well kill myself with work
ofelyaspks: and maybe just maybe i can find some pleasure
in the pain
ofelyaspks: but of course
ofelyaspks: i was wrong
Redalert03: well, thats not exactly what i meant. i was
actually being a bit more optimistic.
ofelyaspks: oh really?
ofelyaspks: well not i
ofelyaspks: and i wish i could get rid of this negative
attitude
ofelyaspks: and the resentment i have
ofelyaspks: toward all the people that annoy me daily with the
stupidity that is human existence
ofelyaspks: but if i did i don't know who i would be
ofelyaspks: and at some point if i don't die first
ofelyaspks: something good is going to come along and
ofelyaspks: i won't have a clue as to what to do with myself
Redalert03: well, what i mean is... theres just so much to
experience in life... i dunno. i mean, for example, i could
spend my entire life just trying to listen to all the
beautiful music in the world and never even get close
ofelyaspks: see that used to bother me
ofelyaspks: that i would never know it all
ofelyaspks: i mean all that you could possibly know on a
humanly level
ofelyaspks: like all that has already been said, done,
produced
ofelyaspks: i'll never get to experience 1/10000000 of it
ofelyaspks: but then i ran out of the time to lament over
such things
ofelyaspks: though it's still sad
Redalert03: well, i dont know if i feel bad about it or im
excited about spending my life reaching for the stars, as
the saying goes
ofelyaspks: but it's a life of hunger
ofelyaspks: at least for us its not in the physical sense
Redalert03: but i guess it is a little frustrating, ive
always been one to be thorough... i mean, remember those
books where you could choose different paths and it would
change the outcome of the book? well, i used to read
through each option systematically til i had read every
single option
ofelyaspks: i think that's what separates us from third
world.. we have access to almost everything, if we don't
achieve, it's our own fault
ofelyaspks: so did i
Redalert03: yeah, i figured that
ofelyaspks: i hated r.l. stein but i thought those little
books were ingenious
ofelyaspks: actually i hated it that i would have to read
every little plot line
ofelyaspks: sometimes i just wanted to stop
Redalert03: lol
Redalert03: exactly
ofelyaspks: but did i?
ofelyaspks: no
ofelyaspks: over the past few weeks i realize that every
one of my behaviors (good or bad, but mostly bad) stems
from something that occured in my childhood
ofelyaspks: or is somehow related
Redalert03: well, i dunno what im talking about... i dont
have the ability to articulate what i mean. (oh, that
sounds so familiar)
Redalert03: i never liked the idea of infinity
ofelyaspks: me either
Redalert03: it always made me nervous
ofelyaspks: i mean
ofelyaspks: where's it gonna end?
Redalert03: yeah
ofelyaspks: why did that sound familiar?
Redalert03: how can i do it all if it goes on forever
Redalert03: well, i can rarely say what i really mean
Redalert03: and then
Redalert03: sometimes i think about what it would be like
if my life was one of those books
Redalert03: i mean, think of how different we'd be if we
had made one little choice differently
Redalert03: but luckily, i have come to terms with the fact
that if i had done anything differently, i wouldnt be the
same person.. and i am happy with who i am now, so i
wouldnt change a thing.
ofelyaspks: the truth is you couldn't have ended up any
other way
ofelyaspks: there really was no other possibility than what
you chose right or wrong
ofelyaspks: and there really is no wrong until you end up
dead but even that is debatable
ofelyaspks: i think i could pinpoint a few key places where
decisions i've made would have led to an entirely different
life
Redalert03: yep
ofelyaspks: but if i look closely i can almost predict who
i would have become and i don't like her anymore than i
like me so
ofelyaspks: this was the only way


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