A. Phrend

Untouchable Memories
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2001-12-16 19:17:20 (UTC)

So Many Things I Wish I Could Have Said

Seasons Greetings...

Once again, she (my ex) somehow makes her way into my
dreams.. But actually, this dream was pleasant..yet I know
it is only a dream... I guess I should tell you first
brief you in on my past relationship with my ex...

She was a classmate in medical school... and I met her
within the first week of school... soon after, we started
dating... it's funny, because in the beginning... she
yelled at me one day stating, "There will never be a You
and I" ... this was when I was chasing after her... I
got completely shot down that day... I took her words and
disappeared from her life... During Anatomy lab, I tried
to ignore her the best I could.. I didn't want to be
anywhere near her...yet she still came over to my table to
chat.. I pretty much gave her the cold shoulder because I
still had those unpleasant words she said in my head...

Anyhow, 3 days later...she tells me she misses having me
around... and next thing you know, we kissed... I can
remember every detail... It was right before our lab which
was physical diagnosis... on a friday evening... Her and I
were sitting on her bedroom.... There we had our first
kiss. We ended up dating for 2 years... and in those 2
years, there are so many things I wish I could have said to

Throughout our relationships, we had some rough times...
the typical arguments... and being in medschool didn't
make things any better... God, I was sooo stressed at
times.. I have a white patch of hair on the back of my head
which is very prominent... I pretty much sure medschool
had some part in that...

She broke up with me after our two years of being in school
together... there were a lot of factors involved... first,
we were going to different hospitals for clinical
rotations... I somehow miraculously got into a very
competitive hospital in California... 4 students out of
250 only got accepted... I honestly didn't think I would
get accepted...(but in a way, I always seem to be beat the
odds... something I've been blessed with) my second choice
was to go to a hospital on the east coast and be with my
ex... I pretty much knew my ex was going to get in some
hospital from the east coast... So she got upset w/ me not
wanting to go to the same hospital as her...

So our career paths separated us... I was in Cali. and she
was in NY... I always ask myself was it the right
decision to come to Cali... Everyone tells me it was the
right thing to do... my family is in Cali...so I would be
able to visit them often... my father is very ill having
suffered 3 strokes... I just pray to God that he makes it
to my Graduation... He really wanted me to become a
doctor.. He currently sits at home..unable to walk... and
has to be fed by a tube connected to his stomach...
Everytime I see him... I make sure he knows how much I love
him... I pray to God to please let him live at least to my
Graduation... I know it will make my Dad very happy... in
a time when I know he's really depressed about his illness..

I would have traveled to see her as much as possible.. i
truly did love her... but there's more to why she broke up
with me... She told me that I took her for granted and
that I wasn't into her as much as she was into me.. the
first part is true... i did take her for granted...but I
honestly have to contend the second statement.. I was into
her.. I just didn't show it as often as I should have...
My ex and I spent virtually every minute together..since we
were classmates... we had the same classes, same study
groups, and we lived together... we were together 24/7..
We were together almost every moment throughout our first
two years of medschool... anyhow, i'm not going to dwell
on this point... I honestly did love her... I loved her with all my
heart.. She was the perfect one for me... because she loved me for
who I was.... I really did want to marry her... God, I loved her..

After we broke up, I tried desperately to get her back... I sent
her flowers, bought her a promise ring, and even bought an
airplane ticket over there.. (which I had to waste because
she didn't want to see me) I just came to a point where I
exhausted everything possible to try and get her back... I
was exhausted financially and well as emotionally.. It was
hard because I was also already working at my hospital as I
started almost 2 months before her... I was doing medicine
at the time... where I was working over 100 hrs a week...
and on top this I was trying to get my girl back... I know
ppl same we're suppose to be like machines... I can work as
hard as anyone... but when it comes to emotions, I can only
be so strong... Eventually, I came to a point where I was
just drained emotionally and had to give up getting her

Every so often, I get these horrible dreams... I see my ex
with another guy and it drives me crazy... I wake up with
my heart trembling... I can't seem to keep her out of my
dreams... I stay busy in the day with work...but I can't
seem to get her out of my mind... As for last night, I
had some comfort...

I had a dream where I came to her hospital where she was
working and I was giving a presentation on some medical
topic as a guest lecture... I don't have the exact
details, but we somehow ended up holding hands... The
funny thing was in this dreams... as I went to grab her
hand with mine.. I accidently grabbed the hand of another
guy... hahahahaha She started laughing at me... then
she held my hand...

Well, this is my brief (being sarcastic) intro to my life..
I'm sure entry afterwards will get shorter and shorter....
Thank you for reading...

Les Miserable...

"Remember, no matter how stormy or rainy your day is, there
is always a rainbow that follows..."
-- To whoever said this quote, I'm still waiting for my
rainbow.. --

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