Life as I know it.
2001-12-16 06:49:29 (UTC)


So I'm officially a college graduate as of today...it's so
weird to even say that. I'm home right now and have to
remember to clear out the memory on MSIE cause i dont want
my mom to read this, that's all I need.

This is about Matt (yeah, shocking, huh?)

I didnt get to see him before I left, but life always works
out like that, maybe it was good, maybe it is bad. I dont
know, and if you dont want to read me over analyzing myself
and this situation just dont read this, just a warning, this
entry is basically for me to help myself figure some things

I know at this time i can't be matt's platonic friend like i
tell him I can be. I still want to make love to him, not
sex, but love. Cause unfortunately i still love him, a lot.
More than I even want to. If i was with him it would be
kosher but im not with him, well at least not in the way I
want to be with him. And I really am just being with him
right now cause I hope for a relationship or something to
happen, but he even told me he doesnt think we will get back
together again (he says this all the time and then he comes
back to me promising we will and then freaks out at the last
minute) and its not really killing me but it frustrates me.
Like I want to email him (cause im not in the city now but
home for awhile) and tell him all this shit. but i cant
bring myself to do it cause i love him so much. and he is
having a lot of issues like with his dad and the such. So
here is my email i would like to send matt (and hey i might
end up doing it):


Hey, whats up? A lot here. Remember when I said i just
wanted to get away from everything for awhile and come home,
part of it was because of you. I dont know what is going on
anymore. Like im not gonna lie and you know this already,
but i still love you. I mean I will always be here for you,
and you know that. Is it because im nice or dumb? I have
yet to figure that one out. I want to make love to you,
just not have sex, but love matt. I want to hear you say
that you actually love me back...but I only hear that from
you when i dont talk to you for a while. It's like you only
want me when you dont think you can have me, but as soon as
you know you can have me, its like you dont want me anymore.
It's like a sick game to you. And it just hurts me more
eventho you say you dont want me, you act like you do. And
what am i to believe, words or actions? So its 1:30am and
im just thinking a lot. Like right now you are probably
partying with your friends trying to hit on some girls and
get laid and what am i doing? Sitting at home debating on
whether or not to ever talk to you again, cause its just
hurting me. A lot. Eventho i tell you these things, i dont
think you really get it. I dont think you know how much i
obsess over every little thing you tell me, trying to find a
clue when i know there isnt one. That in fact you probably
do want me but want all options open. That if your dream
woman came along and fulfilled everything that you could
love her and be with her and toss me off into the wind. I
am your second choice, and it sucks, cause i said i would
never settle for that, but so why am i? again either im
dumb or still madly in love...im betting on the second one
myself. And I hear things from people about how you still
want me back, but you tell me you dont. you brag to your
friends that we sleep together still. You are actually
being more open to me now, which is freaky, and is also
leading me to believe that you might actually want me back.
So i dont know what this is all leading to...I wish I did.
I really want to sever contact with you, but at the same
time i want to talk to you as much as i can while we are
both single and while thigns can still change. Its like im
addicted to you. I need to go to rehab for that.


Okay im not sending the ltter i got it all outta my system.
Im still confused but im giving a deadline of january 31st
if things dont get better in any form
(friendship/relationship wise) im not gonna talk to him
again until im like married or soemthing.