Not Afraid of Shadows
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2001-12-15 20:11:06 (UTC)

December 15, 2001

Today my boyfriend David wrote in his diary that he never
realized that he missed me more than he missed his
parents. Well I should hope so. We've been dating for
nearly four years. The fact that he's just now realizing
this leads me to assume that he doesn't think about me
very often. How can you be with someone so exclusively
for so long and never realize the extent (or lack thereof)
of your love for them? The wheels in my head are always
cranking; I'm always thinking. It may not be such a good
thing for me- but at least I knew four years ago what
David realized only yesterday.

And he wondered if he ever made me feel special, and noted
that he should try to do so more frequently. This
happened immeadiately after his entry: I have been
wanting to see Russell Crowe's new movie, "A Beautiful
Mind," since I heard it was in production. Luckily, I won
tickets to see a free early screening! David promised
that he would take me if I won. When I mentioned the
tickets to him, yesterday he said that I could follow him
in my car if I wanted to go, but he absolutely did not
want to see the movie. "The movie sucks, Russell Crowe is
a bad actor." Considering that Russell Crowe won the
Academy Award for BEST ACTOR, I'm not altogether wrong in
assuming that there is more to his quote than just an
unbiased opinion. Of course he is jealous. What man
wouldn't be? But what man refuses to make his love happy
because of a personal flaw? Obviously mine. Of course,
if my life were very different, I'd drive myself. But
since I'm a fairly new driver, and I have anxiety
disorder, the idea of navigating myself through unknown
territory in Atlanta with my 11-year old car makes me sick
to my stomach. He fights the idea of taking me, tooth and
nail, for about an hour or so- insulting every aspect of
my life meanwhile, and then finally decides he's taking me
whether I like it or not. I supposed he finally realized
what would have been the right thing to do, which
obviously takes him a considerable amount of time these
days. But the funny thing is, nothing changed about the
plan in the span of the argument, but he changed his mode
from vehemently refusing to take me, to being on some kind
of moral crusade to do so. I don't understand that. He
kept calling it a "compromise," but I don't see it as any
more than a face-saving label that he attached to his own
behavior. Of course I appreciate it, but after being told
that I "torture" him with boring movies, how am I supposed
to enjoy the movie I've looked forward to for so long
without feeling guilty the entire time? I guess that was
his plan- to let me go, but to ruin a part the enjoyment
that I would have gotten from it. Sometimes I can't get
over his own selfishness.

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