rainey

vision incision
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2001-12-15 10:07:24 (UTC)

[ can't sleep ]

Wow, I can't believe I actually gave in and started an
online diary. Well, here goes.. I just got through crying
like a baby. Yeah, it's another entry with me whining about
my problems. Everything reminds me of her. Sometimes I wish
she didn't exsist so I could stop feeling this ache in my
chest. It's like this pulsating pain that just gets worse.
I swallow it down, but it comes up when I least expect and
there I am again --crying and clutching my pillow tight.
Growing up, I've always been known as "the rock" of the
family. I'm the one who can take all the pain and keep
everyone smiling at the same time. Well, guess what? This
rock is crumbling; it's crumbling slowly. I'm barely
hanging on. After dropping out of Northern Arizona
University, I thought things would get easier. I was
miserable there, I came home, and found out my problems
were just beginning. The love of my life, I actually
planned a future with this girl, she slipped through my
fingers like soft beach sand. Here I am, left choking on
the dust left behind. I held on for dear life. She was my
life. Get over it? I wish. Monday, I'm registering for
college and getting a job. I wasn't paying attention to
this 2 months ago, because I was so caught up in fighting
for someone who didn't want me back. She said she did
before, but she changed her mind. She wants someone else.
She won't even speak to me. She promised to love me always
and forever. I don't feel it anymore. I just feel
emptyness. This big hole in my chest that's full of pain
and a sickness in my stomach I cannot get rid of. I push
and I pull at myself to move on, but it's so damn hard. She
promised me stars. All I got was a kick to the throat.
She's suffering too, though. She drinks her worries away
and ignores her problems. That's how she deals. She used to
confide in me, but I guess that was my fault. ONE screw up,
and I lost, but I felt her pulling away long before I
messed up. She says she still loves me. I wish that were
true. She says I still have her heart. It stop beating life
into me the second she left. Damn, this entry is going to
be quite lengthy. Some brighter stuff. Hm, Well.. I talked
to my friend Lizamae. She said they are hiring where she
works. She works at Bath & Body Works. Great, if I work
there, I won't be able to smell anymore. I just know it,
but it's a job. So sometime today I'm going to get an
application. God, I need to get out and get on with my
sorry ass life. My younger sister invited me to hang out
with her and just ramble I guess. I need to get drunk is
what I need to do, or get some herbal refreshment. Shit, I
can't get caught up in that again. Wow.. just typing this
out made me feel kinda better. Actually, crying did mostly,
but that's because I never cry. When I do cry, I don't
stop. When I stop, I feel so much better. It's 3:00 am
something. I should go lay down and get some sleep.
Tomorrow is a brand new day; if you want to get technical,
today is a brand new day. Well, g'night.

-Rainey


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