2001-12-15 06:25:44 (UTC)

mad tv, books and i cant find a lighter

keeping the doors open
im feeling vacant tonight.
we talk.
and we listen.
its like all i do is fill you in.
like youre not an active part of my life.
just a person who listens to it.
all we ever do anymore
is reflect.
there is nothing new being built.
its just this huge foundation
but there isnt any building.
nothing is building from us.
and i dont understand.
and i dont think i should.
i need you.
i need you to be there.
but youre not here.
you are most definently there.
and i dont know if i like this
in between shit.
chalkboard writing
on this stupid wall.
these walls we keep building
and tearing down
the process
and im loosing.
my footing.
in this mess hall
of selfless
im unsure now.
of just how
its going to work.
itself out.
and never is something
i didnt consider
and always is something
we just didnt mention
and youre changing.
more and more
and im straying
futher and futher
and your grip isnt as tight
as before
and i think
thats the way you want it.
and now that its happening
im almost regreting
the values i had before
it wasnt me they were talking about
but the other ashley
i didnt even know
there was another ashley
and its hard for you to be
with him
and it was too hard for you
to be with me
but now youre finding ways
and youve learned
that something good
is too good
to give away
and why is it always
later that this is found.
why is it after ive already
hit the ground.
and im pouding my head
into this concrete
waiting for blood
or tissue
or something to descrete
but theres nothing.
just nothing.
and im just building up my tolerance
its this huge callouse.
and im forgetting little things.
trying not to be reminded
of what came after me
because nothing came before me
and its stupid
and im stupid
im stupid for not being mad
and im stupid for not telling you
any of this.
hit hit miss
its darts
and im being thrown
over and over again
but i never fucking hit anything
and the points are just being ignored
whore time is gone
settling down
and moving on
but what about what was left
and what about all the shit
we just assumed.
why dont the thens.
match up to the nows.
and where exactly
do i fit into your life.
and that
that is just it you know
i dont think i do.
i dont think theres room for me
in the mess that your heart has become
and all the shit that you have dealt with
i think i was just pushed out
like gum on the side of your mouth
i was for later
but when the fuck is later
because im running out of time.
and the river we swam together
like running in the rain
holding hands and wet cigarettes
we were late that day.
but i waited.
i waited for you.
its just sometimes i dont think
that youd wait for me.