My Life
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2001-12-14 23:47:54 (UTC)

i have a date...

I've already typed this once, and it was quite long, and
for some reason it wouldn't post, so I'm trying again.

Affirmation: My coworkers are happy, productive people. I
work in a loving atmosphere, and I am a valued member of my

I'm not so sure about my coworkers but I'm working on it. I
was thinking the other day that since Terry and I have
started talking on the phone and seeing eachother that has
not been 1 day that we have not spoken. That is good, I
like to talk to him but I am a little concerned about our
communication. I know that he cares about me by his
actions, by the fact that whenever he's home, he wants to
spend the majority of his time with me, but I'm not sure
how he feels about us, if there is an us, how he feels
about me. Sometimes I think he isn't verbal enough for me.
I'm telling myself that actions speak louder than words,
that is true, but I need to be able to talk to him about
it. He doesn't know how i feel either. Last weekend when it
got heated and he asked what I was thinking about, why
couldn't I tell him. Why didn't I want to open up and let
him know why I hold back. There is a reason for it, I know
that. And I think part of the reason is i don't want to be
so vulnerable right now. Sometimes I think in my head how
I'm going to tell him about it and i start crying because
it's very emotional. I don't know how he'd handle it,
seeing me upset, seeing me like that. And what happened has
left me with some shame, that I was ever in that situation,
which I know it isn't my shame, but I still feel it. What
if he changes his feelings for me based on that? Whatever
his feelings are.
There is a part of my life that he has no idea about. It's
something that happened to me in my last relationship and
it's very personal. I want to be able to share that with
him and maybe he'd try to understand. But it is something
very personal that I wouldn't share with everyone and I
need to know if we have the type of relationship w
here I should even bother.
And I have a date tonight with a guy named Brian. He has a
guy friend who works with my cousin and they are friends
and her friend was talking about this Brian guy, and my
cousin said, oh, it sounds like my cousin would like him,
because he's into old-fashioned stuff, medieval stuff, and
i'm crafty, i make yarn, etc., and he makes amber
jewelry... So he called me and asked me to dinner. This is
a total blind date, we haven't seen eachother but he seemed
nice on the phone, we had no trouble talking. We originally
were going to see his friends play in a band, but they
weren't playing tonight after all so he made reservations
for dinner at 8 pm. I'm nervous, as always, but looking
forward to meeting someone new and he's very interesting,
i'm sure we'll have lots to talk about.
But what would Terry say if he knew I had a date? Would he
be upset or hurt or angry? I don't know. That's the
problem, I don't know where are relationship is or is
going. Maybe i'm asking too much, maybe I should just let
things go the way they are, because it's been good. I know
I care for him, know i've thought about us getting closer,
i know i really respect him because he's a good guy and
good to me, know that his parents like me and I them.
I heard this talk today on Christian radio that made me
cry. Yesterday I heard a wife speak about how she found
Christ and today I heard her husband, whom she helped find
Christ. She was a drug addict, prostitute, owned topless
bars, etc. and he was a biker dude, who abused drugs and
alcohol and his mother committed suicide he says because of
him......it was so sad, he made me cry, but he also made me
cry tears of joy when he said how he turned his life
around. It makes me realize that there is hope for everyone.