Princessbecks

My Random Thoughts....
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2001-12-14 08:40:31 (UTC)

Another day of thinking....

Sometimes I feel so lost here... I was so used to my life in
Ionia and now I am in a totally different place with totally
different people that don't understand anything about me. At
first I was excited to have a place with people that didn't
know about that time in first grade when...But now it has
almost backfired. So much happened right before graduation
and through the summer...No one here knows. I try to get
over it and smile and be happy, but then I spend the lonely
nights in my room THINKING. I swear...thinking will kill you
everytime. Then i finally force myself to sleep and dream.
Which is worse...thinking or dreaming. I don't really know.
Why can't I just get OVER it??? I shouldn't feel guilty or
scared or angry...because its not my fault. Its not my fault
my ex boyfriend tried to kill himself right...I should feel
GOOD because I found him and took him to the hospital right?
I saved his life..the doctor said another hour and he would
have died. Why did I go over there??? I chose that day to
finally give him pictures back... he had bugged me about
them forever...and that day..at that time I decided to go. I
SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY. But I broke his heart, I abandoned
him, I left him like everyone else in his life had...but its
not my fault. I am not supposed to feel sad. I am supposed
to forgive him. I am supposed to live my life like nothing
ever happened...yea right. No one saw how it affected
me...no one reached out to ME during this time. They didnt
know what to say....they didnt know what to do. So they just
didnt do anything. The whole incident was swept under the
carpet and I went on with my life. I calmed myself with lots
of things I am not proud to talk about right now. I lost all
interest in caring for myself and everyone around me. I
became a bitch. I will be the first to admit it. I snapped
at everything and everyone. Plus my parents moved to our
cottage...so there I was with a whole house to myself and no
respect for myself.. alone. Can you believe how these things
have built up inside me??? I am not having a mental
breakdown or anything. I am just finally ready to talk about
it. But here I am at this huge university with people i've
known for maybe 3 months. I dont really think we are quite
to the "talking" stage yet. What a first impression...Hi im
Rebecca now let me unload all my emotional baggage on
you...RIGHT. I dont think so.

Today I was sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch, and the
girls sitting next to me started talking about me. cool huh.
Lets have a little less tact. I think they were talking
about how I shouldn't eat because im fat...at one point I
heard her say "at the same time i hate when skinny people
have a little salad with nothing on it..." I'm not fucking
stupid. And I didn't even have a lot of food...i had a salad
a quesedilla. SUE ME! I EAT!! I just felt like throwing my
food at them. So of course I sat there picking at my food
because they were staring at me....and didn't eat a damn
thing. Maybe I shouldn't eat anything...I will make myself
plastic so everyone in the damn world will be happy. I know
i'm not skinny...you dont have to rub in it my damn face.
That'll put anyone in a good mood.

Ugh. That was just a lot of 3 am thinking. I'm really not as
messed up as I seem....REALLY. Just had a lot to get out
tonight.


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