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2001-12-14 07:52:11 (UTC)

pretty when you cry

im cold here.
are you pretty.
(on the inside)
are you here.
or am i just drunk again
what did you say
im sorry.
im sorry your mouth
distracted me.
and 456
and youre sitting across from me.
telling me to sit still
but i cant.
im tired of sitting still.
and im tired of watching you fall down
again and again
and im tired of helping you up.
it hurts.
more than you know.
when will you realize.
i dont think you will
should have gotten out long ago.
should have not picked up.
my phone.
i shoudl have done a lot of things.
"without assholes.
you couldnt shit.
and constipation
is not pleasent."
content i am.
i am happy now.
do you remember
how you said
that star was mine.
i remember.
i remember that night.
i remember thinking.
it sucked that i didnt feel the same way
i remember how you hated her.
and i remember your doggie.
our playground.
you hating my cigarettes.
alcohol and medication.
do not mix.
i loved you.
but you were too early
for me to realize it.
you were older.
and i was nieve.
i didnt want to see it.
and im sorry.
im sorry for hurting you.
i wish i could tell you that now
but i cant.
and even if i did.
i dont think it would
mean anything now anyway
its all about timing
i need to have a beter sense of that.
i think.
i think i need to sleep.
i think in fragments.
and i can never type enough before i forget.
my eyes are burning.
my legs are sore.
no need for that.
or reason.
but i guess reason doesnt apply
to most things you think it should
i drew a picture tonight
it was pretty.
i gave it to a cook.
i gave quaters to a man
for the phone
i miss emily.
i want to sleep.

i want flowers.
i want to lay in a bed of flowers.
yellow roses.
i feel like i stumble through life
in a confused haze.
i dont understand a lot of things.
i hate mean people.
i hate how people are mean as a default.
i want a popcicle.

i want to sleep.


when my mom was little.
her room was yellow.

i wish i could make my mommy happy.
i feel like i disappoint her.
more than i please her.
i wish that shed stop drinking.
i wish my dad wasnt mean to her.
shes so beautiful.
i wish that shed realize that.
i wish all women could realize that.
i wish all people could realize that.
i wish i could fix things.
but i know that i cant.
i wish my back didnt hurt.
i wish i could have a hug right now.
i wish i never made anyone cry.
i wish i could open peoples eyes.
emily and i had a talk about that
the other day.

i want to have a talk with my father.
but i feel like.
all the talking ive done.
hasnt accomplished anything.
i wonder if it ever will.
i wonder if hell always hate me.
i wonder why he does
i dont understand.

im thinking too much.
im going to sleep.