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2001-12-14 05:21:21 (UTC)

The Pacific Never Remembers...

One time, when we were at the beach at nigth my dad told me
he loved the ocean because "the Pacific never remembers."
I didn't really know what he was talking about, but now it
makes me think of me and my brother and how he doesn't have
to remember being a father...Since my parents got divorced
when I was six, I never saw my dad much after that and now
that he's in California, I see him even less...Sometimes he
calls or sends a card on my birthday. But not much more
than that...

I don't know what I think about my dad now, he makes me
really angry sometimes and other times very sad. I wish I
could have had my dad around when I was growing up and even
now I wish he could be here to talk to me about my
boyfriend and give college advice, whatever...I remember
once when my dad was in town and I had a hockey game that
night, I asked him to come watch me play and he said he
would try and make it...I don't remember wanting anything
more ever than for my dad to come watch me play a
game...I've never been very good at or even interested in
sports and my dad is a personal trainer, so I guess I
wanted him to see me doing something I he loved and that I
had interest in and was good at...He never made it and I
was so dissapointed...

I'm not sure if I should be mad at my dad or just forget it
and be apathetic...I can hardly talk about him without
getting teary, but at the same time getting angry. I just
don't understand how it's so hard for a father to want to
have some semblance of a relationship with his
daughter...But then maybe I should be asking myself why
this bothers me so much...I wich I could just not care at
all and be fine with it, but sometimes it bothers me so
much...I'm begining to feel dumb so I'm going to
sleep...How's that for a way to end a journal entry?...