2001-12-14 01:58:33 (UTC)

Please help me understand...

Why is it that once again, I don't know/understand my own
feelings. You'd think I would by now, but I don't. There
was a time I changed everything in my life because I didn't
know who I was or what I was about, but nothing ever came
of it. I just decided that there was too much pain in my
life at the point for me to start rearranging my priorities.
So I took everything back and nothing has changed. And then
the moment came when I didn't want anything to change. It
was so perfect. And right when everything feels so right in
my life, something gets ripped away from me, leaving a void
in my life, that hurts so much. I have once again got to
the point that my confidence level has plummeted, when I
didn't think there was even room for it to drop further. I
feel my life will never take that route that I wish for. I
will never be as happy as I want, though at times I portray
that I am as happy as could be. It's all an act. An act
that has stuck by me for nearly the entire 16 years of my
existence. Some things feel so right, and yet feel so wrong
at the same time. Some things feel more right then ever
imaginable. I think that's why it hurts so bad.