Monkey Noodles

A Bowl of Noodles
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2001-12-13 05:59:53 (UTC)

Thinking Back...

What dreams may come, eh?
I don't think my dreams worked otu exactly as planned.
The plan was for me to go through school, go to college,
become a talented and famous musician, maybe get married,
most likely not have kids, and be happily ever after.
But when I got pregnant at 19 and had to drop out of
college, my dreams shattered to the ground.
Now I had to work full time at shitty jobs just to make
ends meet.
I had to have court dates for custody and child support,
while the father decided he didn't want to be involved in
the "ordeal" in the least.
I had to do all these things by myself, all the while
trying to find some way to be happy, to compensate for all
the things I had lost.
And all the while I tried to make myself and others happy,
I became more and more miserable.
I went in and out of relationships that never worked,
because I didn't love myself enough to love someone else.
I had all these things to do, the baby to worry about,
clothes, labor, work, money...all for someone who never
wanted kids.
It was overwhelming.
I lost myself in all of this, and I don't know that I ever
found myself again.
And here I am...a single mom with a live-in 19 year old
boyfriend, a roomate who is like a child himself, over
worked and under paid at a shitty job that will get me
nowhere and barely pays the bills.
The father of my child is married and in the navy and
hasn't seen her since before she was even one.
Her grandmother on that side just now decided she wanted to
be in my daughter's life, and I can only imagine how wierd
that must be for her.
I love my daughter do death, but I just don't think I am
cut out for the job.
I never wanted to be a mother, and I think there was a
reason for this.
I think I knew all along that I wouldn't do a good job, and
it was just my subconscious telling me this.
Of all the people for this to happen to, I don't understand
why it had to be me.
I love her, but I just don't think I am good enough for her.


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