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2001-12-13 05:53:08 (UTC)

O Brother

walking across the room to say it then. The unique smell
of my grandparent's house was back and 1973 was back and I
was 7 but now I'm 35 and it is back with another layer of
my brother.

The brother who said " I love you Bubba" The brother who
hugged me in the street when I was 16 and going home from a
visit and I didn't care that he was giving me a hug. The
brother who I told "I love you" The brother who kept
telling me he loved me until I realized what he meant. The
brother who kept hugging me until I began to give them back
just as hard as he. The brother who made me laugh and
laugh and hurt with laughter. Gone. No, this is a joke.
This is a test of the emergency broadcasting system. If
this were a real emergency.....

The brother who said "I don't care how bad you were to Kara
or anyone else, I'll still love you no matter what you do
or who you are. I'll love you forever. It's not
conditional." The brother who said "you see, I left you
and mom and shannon to find my father when Laurie died so I
lost you when you were young. But I came back and found you
all. You are all my family. We may be half-brothers, but
we are brothers. We may have different fathers, but you
are my brother."

I left Carol's and called Martina. She said what is it?
What happened. He's died Martina. Mark is dead. I'll be
there on the train. I'll be there soon.

I went to my father's. My step-mother was coming out the
door on her way to a meeting. Come in Barb, come in
where's Dad. I couldn't get anything out except Dad-Barb-
Mark-died-this-morning and they grabbed me together and
held me. My father and I talked for a long time. I don't
remember what we said. He looked older and smaller when I
left. I forgot my coat and went back in and heard him
weeping. I heard his loud weeping. My world, my world was

Martina came on the train. I made it to the couch in my
living room and then she held me and I wept and felt cold
and broken. He died from having his tonsils out. How do
you die from having your tonsils out. I called my sister
and went to her home. My mother called there and said that
she brought him home from the surgery in the afternoon.
His father came over. He was still spitting out blood at
8pm. She called the doctor. The doctor said wait a few
more hours and bring him to the hospital and I'll come to
see him. He was still bleeding and shaking from feeling
cold and sweating and at 11 his father took him to the
hospital. He had to stop and sit on the steps because he
was weak. He told my mother to go home and that everything
would be fine. His father said "I'll call you if there's a
problem". He called her at 5am.

They gave him an IV. They gave him a chest xray. They
gave him apple juice. I just realized I'm drinking some
now. They couldn't keep him stabilized. He couldn't lie
down because he was spitting out blood.