swymbecswym

becs crap
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2001-12-13 04:15:10 (UTC)

censorship

well, look what good censorship does...people still find my
diary and get offended...why bother keeping up two? i tell
ya, you cant make anyone happy.

eh, not much happened today...i went to work, and im kind
of sad that i wont see the old folks for a few weeks...some
of them are so old i am afraid for them to leave the class
because i might not see them the next time. im glad im
young. this one lady, esther, she is so nice to me. she
went to fresno state too, and she was raised in the valley
i think. she bought me a jingle bell to wear at work so id
be in the spirit. but she wont be at the last day on
friday, so i told her to have a good end to the holiday
season and that was that. ill enjoy my time off, but i
will still miss all of them. i cant believe the year will
be over.

scotts at work right now...i miss the guy. today i
overslept the alarm and my mom had to get the kids ready
for school...but she was cool about it. even though acott
and i arent exactly alike, im glad were together. hes a
refreshing break from most guys ive dated. sometimes i
worry cause he doesnt seem happy...but i guess hes out of
his element, being that hes not from san diego and stuff.
he can be way too serious too. but thats ok you know? i
once had doubts about him...maybe that he wasnt the best
for me. but i thought and he is great, im just not used to
greatness, and i should cherish him while hes around and
will put up with my crap. :) besides, it feels good to be
in his arms...i feel like everything else melts away, and i
havent felt that with someone in a long time...maybe its
not the kind of lusty romance you read in those trashy
novels, but i think ive chased after the wrong thing for
long enough...maybe the fact that i feel safe with him is
something i should pay attention to. hmm.

ugh. i really need to go to the gym, but i dont want to.
well, i do, i just wish that i didnt have to to lose
weight. and ive become kind of concerned with my weight
again anyways, i dont know if its the best thing for me.
weighing myself five or six times a day, somehow forgetting
to eat, or my mind tells me im not hungry...i dont know if
im really not hungry or im getting into a pattern again.
to lose weight for me is obsessive, even a complusive
action. i wish that i had never made it a goal to lose
thirty pounds...because now that number is all i associate
with sucess in my looks at this point in time...its like,
whatever i can do to slim down, whatever i can do to shed
lbs is what ill do. and i dont think thats good. but as
long as im not throwing up food and im not binge eating
again, im not gonna worry too much, im sure its just part
of the process.

so some crap went down today, and i talked to that person
and wrote to that person and well see what comes of
it...and i guess thats all my censored diary will say about
that.

so off i go to the gym...and then who knows maybe ill write
again. we will see.

loveme


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