2001-12-13 01:49:45 (UTC)

Please kill me,

I wanna die. Just end my life. (Heaven don't freak out I
won't kill myself, I'm too scared to, I have not a good
enough reason, and besides, I'm just clinically depressed)

But anyway...

My audition was today and it made me feel reall bad cause I
knew I wouldn't do good. Ofcourse I didn't, and as usuall,
my self esteem has reached an all time low. I felt so
humiliantly bad. As I was walking out of the school I
started crying somewhat, but I pulled it back when I came
near people.

I wish I had the dark ring. I would put it on and just
become invisible. I wouldn't have to be seen or heard, and
could just do whatever it is that I please. Eventually I'd
have it on for too long, that it would start making me
disappear. Then I would finally rid myself from this horrid
place called my house.
You know I don't remember the last time I smiled here. I
don't remember the last time I was trully happy. I know it
was when I felt free. I kinda felt that way when I took the
car without permission and sailed away. One of the other
times before that were when I was with my best friend.
Those were trully the happiest days of my life.
Tomorrow I have a test and I don't feel like studying for
it. It's English I think I'd do well one way or
another but still it is good to refresh my memory.

I just told my mom I'm really unhappy. I cried. I told her
that when I was taking a shower I didn't wanna get out
cause then I'd have to do some work. And I'm fed up with
it! As the french say J'ai ne merre! I
think that's how you spell it. But anyway, although I know
she won't let me drive for shit, I told her could I? I
really need to get a break. I REALLY NEED to get out of
here. As usually she opposed. I didn't expect her to
actually say go ahead leave, but I hoped she would.

I keep feeling like a helpless fish who is trying to fly.

leaving with sadness,