Carlotta

Love, Sex and College
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2001-12-12 20:44:54 (UTC)

So much Shit....

Well, I had been doing a little thinking lately and
realized that Andrew and I never said if we were exclusive
or not, so I emailed him a couple emails, one telling him I
had the best sex dream about him, which I did, the other
was me saying I really wanted to talk, since I really kinda
broke down, realizing that I have had really no clue about
our "relationship". So, it was about 11:30, I decided to
sit down and write everything that I felt. I asked him if
we were exclusive, I said what I needed in a relationship,
like how I wanted to be his friend too. I have been getting
really upset with the simple fact that I have not seen him
in a month. So I tried typing out everything I was feeling.
So he is online with me when he is reading this. He tells
me that he doesnt know what to say. I ask him if we are
exclusive and he says to me "how can I concentrate on us,
if I don't even know which way I am going?", my next
question was "are you dating other girls" and he said no. I
like being with him, but he is hurting me. All I want is to
see him like every couple weeks to once a week. I though I
was the girlfriend... but we had a good talk after that and
talked about a lot of things. We talked until like 4:15, so
we were online for about 3 1/2 hours. I felt really good
after talking to him. I thought that we were exlcusive....

Well the next night, he pops on, or who I think is Andrew,
it is actually his best friend Pete. I end up talking to
Pete for like an hour and a half about my relationship with
Andrew. What kinda gets me mad is the fact, Pete didn't
know Andrew was with me. Pete did admit that they did talk
very much, but Andrew went to see him a couple months ago,
and he didn't about me then? Pete said that Andy had not
been serious/exclusive with any girl since Elisa. Well, I
hae been thinking for a while that we were exclusive. I
have been way too naive... Becuase of that bitch/slut
Elisa, I think Andrew is afraid of getting hurt, actually I
know he is since we have talked about it. It just hurts
cause I love him and really can't do much about it. It's
not like I want some huge commitment. I want to be more
serious, I want us to not be dating other people. He may be
moving to LA, which is perfectly fine, personally, I think
he should go, but I want to give our relationship a good
concentrated effort before he goes, so we can figure out if
we can stay together or not. In a couple years I am going
to be at the same place, I am either moving to LA or NYC,
there is no way in fuck I am staying here. I want to be a
producer maybe a music video director, but I have a long
way to get there. I really think he and I are very
compatible. We suit each other and we get along. We could
be so great together. I don't want to get married tomorrow,
but I know that someday I could marry him. But I just wish
our relationship would move forward a little. I know how
busy he has been with moving a shit, and this past weekend
he tried to get here but the cops turned him away because
of the snowy conditions, and that means a lot to me that he
tried. But I just want to see him. I feel like we are
treading water. I wish he would open up to me a little
more, he has begun to, he has started to tell me shit that
not many people know about. That makes me feel good. I
really want us to be best friend, not just
boyfriend/girlfriend. But now I am questioning those titles
more. Is he really my boyfriend? I would like to think
so... I have decided, that I really do not want an open
relationship for now. I think we need to make our
relationship stronger first. Then if we feel that it is
right for us, then we can start seeing other people. But we
would have to tell each other about it. I don't want to
wonder what he is doing. I don't want to keep tabs on him.
That would be bullshit. He is a man, he can take care of
himself. I just want to be with him so badly. I am trying
to get him to spend the night Saturday night and then for
us to go to the Nickleback concert on Sunday night and for
us to come back here on Sunday night. I have had this
INCREDIBLE sex dream about us, I emailed it to him telling
him all about it. I told him what my fantasies were, so
maybe we can act them out. I miss him so much, and want to
be with him. I guess I am still confused about our status
as a couple... I am sick of talking about this with him. I
am sick of talking about our relationship, I just want to
move forward and see him more and be his girlfriend. That's
all. Writing that much made me tired. I hope I get to talk
to him tonight.


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