Hg(CNO) 2.2
2001-12-12 18:57:03 (UTC)

annus mirabilis

note: i actually wrote this on my birthday...the (48 hour)
delay in posting was due to the (total) lack of motivation
on the author’s (who is now cleverly referring to self via
circumlocution) behalf.

today i turn 21, thus inheriting all the presumptive
fiendish legalities that go with such etesian adornment.
i can now entertain several realms of once forbidden
(ah, there's the lure) concepts even though i have no
intent of carrying them out. this morning i woke up and
said to myself, if i were not broke (i am), i could be in
vegas cranking the slots for a one-hundred-eighty
degree cherry lineup with my right hand, white russian
in the left. does the thought appeal to me? not really
(maybe if i rented swingers again). it's just, to quote
jolie in girl, interrupted, 'good to know.' the truth is, i
might, at least for the next few hours, have one of those
self-reflective birthdays - not like middle-aged
housewives do, where they sit in front of a vanity and
calculate wrinkles - but instead something more
socratic and less depressing.

twenty was a hard year. i had to drown so that life could
be blown into my lungs and rhythmically pounded into
my chest. i faced things from the past, things i wouldn't
wish upon my worst enemy, things too many others
have known yet too few will understand. things i am
finally starting to heal from, five years later. the wounds
are fresh, they still smell of blood and tears and sweat:
they still reopen from time to time.

at twenty, i was both a martyr and assassin in love's
name. i learned many things, one of those being that
there is so much i do not know. i learned to forgive, to
feel, to laugh, to try, to want, to need, to be. i am
starting to reteach myself music, sounding out chords
on ivory keys with fumbling fingers. i have acquired a
genome fetish after testing highest as a prospective
geneticist on a career aptitude test. i have fallen in love
with and related to the foreign film amelie and been
addicted to the game okage on ps2. i have gone to the
tulsa rose garden and eaten a dying rose.

don't get me wrong...i do not expect twenty-one to be a
regenerated worm-tail life, nor do i wish it. What i have
endured was not done so in vain: because of it, i am
stronger. it's funny how one must become raw and
vulnerable to gain strength, how exposure can be so
heartbreaking and beautiful and bold all at once.

no doubt, at twenty-one, i will continue to make
mistakes. i will still be a kitchen hazard, scare
passengers with my driving and play chess in a
creative yet ultimately devastating manner. i will
continue to paint, though not as much as i'd like to. i
will still dream of a world far away from this one, though
not by releasing my grip on reality. i will be the same
insatiably curious creature, with the same hopelessly
curious hair, writing the same indefinitely curious lyrics,
though not to the same song.