It's ok to be crazy
2001-12-12 07:52:29 (UTC)

mind monsters

so i just got off the phone with jon. it is just weird
stuff. you know i thought for a while that he had just
stopped feeling. you know? he just didn't love me anymore
at least not in the way i had wanted i thought that all he
flet for me was friendship. i guess i was wrong. every once
in a while he has these moments of honesty. he was having
one tonight. he calls me up and tells me how he had been
thinking of me. so curiously i ask "what were you
thinking?" and his reply was "i was thinking about how cute
you are and how much i love you." whoa! and then suddenly i
forget everything. i forgot for a moment that we were just
friends and that we had ever broken up and thought wow my
boyfriend is really sweet. but no. it is strange to me that
he still has feelings for me. hearing him talk about how
much he misses my lips. it is just weird to me. then why
doesn't he just kiss me? that is the simple logic that i
ahve at first. and then i think a little more and
realize "yeah...i don't want him to kiss me." i am
comfortable here. beings friends is great for me at this
point in time i am quite happy with that. i don't really
think i would want it any other way. i love jon i don't
ever want to not love him. i don't ever want to not have
him in my life and i know that no good would come out of us
being together we would just hurt eachother.
so now i have a new best friend ant that makes me happy.

so i started seeing a counselor last week. and i guess i am
really crazy because i have to see her every week. my first
session with her we basically just talked about my history
and i told her about my childhood. its crazy stuff you know?
it acctually scared me a little bit. it turns out that if i
would have comeout about the abuse at the time it had
happenedmy brother would have been sent to jail or at least
taken out of our home. it's crazy that a 7 year old child
would have that much power. but the really scarey thing is
this...it could happen again. my brother is now an adult
with a wife and a family. he has a 2 year old daughter and
a 5 month old son. what if he is not ok? what if he does
this again. then it is on my head. it will me my fault. if
he harms my neice that will screw her up for life just like
it has done for me and it will ha ve been all my fault
becausse i didn't come out and say anything. but i couldn't
say anything. that would just tear my family apart and
can't deal with the guilt from that. so i guess no matter
how you look at it, it's just a lose lose situation. so i
guess it is just too late now.
he did threaten me...
gotta go.