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2001-12-12 03:59:31 (UTC)

The Last Few Days

Forgive my impertinance.. I know it's been a few days
since I wrote. I've been pretty busy with my company.
Conrad was here this weekend, and we enjoyed ourselves and
I think spent decent time together.. however..we didn't
talk about anything. And then Randy showed up, he's a
sweetheart... and we've done lots of talking and stuff like
that. But I don't get online too much cause I don't want to
be rude while they're here.
I've also been thinking way too much about certain
things, which I imagine is very bad since it usually brings
me close to tears each time. I'm not normally that easy to
make cry... but I suppose it's the hormaones I have to deal
with alot.How much can one person take of loneliness when
people throw themselves at you so often? I'm not trying to
be vain or evil or anything liek that, but it's the truth.
Anyone that knows me well will see this. There are so many
of the guys I know that tell me they love me, would marry
me, want to be with me. Granted, some just think they love
me and it's lust, or others only say it to get me in bed.
It doesn't work. There's things I want in life, I suppose
my wants are a bit more confused than others, but they are
still there. I want love, and a family, a stable good home,
a decent job. I want to give my children everything they
need, and have a father for them that will love them as his
own. But how can I in good heart and faith ask a man to do
all of this and possibly neer have a child of his own
blood? I know there are men it doesn't matter to, and they
are blessings, but still... what man in his right mind
would want to raise a baby and an 8 year old? I am in this
point in my life I've never had to face before. I am
pregnant and alone ... romatically speaking. I have many
friends supporting me and lots of family... and I know how
lucky I am. But still... it would be wonderous to have
someone to share the things in my pregnancies with so that
I didn't feel like I was shoving down thier unwilling
throats. I don't have anyone to hold me or talk to or a
shoulder to cry on if I feel the need. I feel like I'm this
awful person that's denying both of my children something
they desperately need... a male influence they can call
father. But I keep telling myself its better for them to
not be in a relationship with a manI don't love. I know
it's better, but I still feel wrong. So few women have to
go through a pregnancy alone. So few have no one there. I
mean.. the father's thousands of miles away, he'll be here
when the baby's born, and I'll have Joey.. but it's not the
same. I have no one in town to date as of yet... but I
don't see why any of them would want to date me anyway, and
the one that's out of town that comes to visit, weeks can
go by between them. And in the interum, I am alone again.
And what makes it worse, is that while he's made it clear
he cares for me and wants to date me, he's also said that
theidea of me having a baby scares him and he doesn't know
if he's ready for that. So what happens if I get attatched
to him and the he decides it's all too much and he leaves?
Not only will I be lonely, I'll be heartbroken too. I care
very much for him, and I don't want to lose him, but I also
don't want to be dragged along and then find out that in
the end, the screwed up mess I've gotten myself into this
time has cost me something special. And I have screwed up..
I know I have. But I want this baby to be born and I'm not
giving it up. It's too late to change it now and I could
never get an abortion. And now I'm paying the price for my
folly, though in the end a child is worth anything you have
to go through to make thier life better. I would do
anything for my children. I hate being alone... I hate the
way it makes me feel and the worthlessness that goes with
it. And now, everyday I get closer to having this baby, the
more I realise thatmy chances of finding someone that will
look beyond the fact I have two children and love my
anyway, and love them as well, is slim to none. I'm just as
likely to find a man walking down the street wearing a sign
proclaiming him my true love and soul mate and I never have
to look any further, as I am to find that. Which may be one
in the same. And to top off all thise feelings of
loneliness I'm having let's heap on a good pile of pesimism
along the lines of me being afraid I'm not going to be able
to do it at all. I'm so scared of that.
I can't really think of much more to say, except this
hasn't made me feel alot better, though it's nice to get it
off my chest. It would be easier if I had someone I could
talk to.
Actually... there is one thing. Kira. She's a great
little girl, but like all kids, she has her problems and
issues. It's hard for others to understand. I know I'm not
the best mother in the world, and I'd never claim to, but I
love Kira and she knows that. That's important. And moving
around isn't easy for her.. having to make ew friends all
the time and stuff like that. I know it's hard and she has
her way of dealing with it. But while I'll apologize for
her bad behavior or make her do so, I will not apologize
for her being a kid. She's 8 years old and she'll act like
it. Which means temper tantrums and arguing and not wanting
to eat her food and stuff like that. She doesn't liek
chores and is spoiled by her grandparents to the point she
thinks she can have anything she wants to eat.And I have
the daunting and frustrating task of disciplining her all
by myself. Which means I have to be the bad guy, even when
I have guests. And I imagine that to them I probably seem a
harsh and ungiving woman , but if I give in now, she'll
think I always will. And that's where things go wrong. And
I'mnot that hard on her.. her only chores are doing dishes,
making her bed, and keeping the bathroom straight. They
aren't hard, especially since we have a dishwasher. But she
has to adjust. And she expresses her unhappiness with
things in her attitude. Which often means that she shows
her ass and acts up and makes it look like I have no
controll over my daughter or I am a mean, Horrible tyrant.
and neither is true. Things are hard on both of us right
now and we both have our issues. They'll work out.

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