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2001-12-11 20:52:53 (UTC)

I Hate Me!

Ahhhhh....I am so pissed!!!! We got the PSAT scores
back today and Jesus I got an 1150.....which isn't bad but
damn I wanted to have the highted score in our
class.....but no I fell short of the dream when Danny came
running down the hall with his score printed on his head.
I mean what in the hell.....I know I sould be happy for
him....but I can't help but be a little jelous then him....
Why can't I just have one thing that no one else can do as
well.....there will always be someone better then me! I
just have to live with this. Damn, damn, damn!!!! But,
last year I scored higher then him....I don't know what
happened. Maybe it was all of those brain cells that I
lost so drastically over the summer.....I don't know.
The bad thing about me is that I am so fickle....I hate
it! I actually think I like someone....but....OH SHIT,
David and Alex's little brother are here and I look like
straight shit! Honestly! Fuck, this day just gets worse
and worse. actually my life has been pretty bad since
school started. I have gotten increasingly bigger which
has made it harder for me to get any action! Big pain in
the ass. I wish I could just get liposuction or just die
opr something.
Oh, and, my dad smelled smoke on me yesterday and
started yelling at me about it. What an ass. I don't see
why he has to care so much. Hell if I have been a
dissappointment to him since I was 6 years old then I don't
see why he has to start caring now. Smoking is just a
release for me. Sorry it isn't anything constructive but
hell that is just what I feel like doing right now.
Anyway back to what I was saying before. I think I am
becoming attracted to this person (yes a guy). But, I
think he has begun to take an interest in someone else.
Someone much smaller and much more Asian. (god I hope no
one reads this). So yeah, ok, but fuck why do I always
do this to myself when I know it won't develope into
anything. I aways wait until its too late. I get the
chance and then I get scared. I am such an idiot to be
typing this on a public thing. But, hell I don't expect
people that I know to go after my diary......maybe Megans
or Kims....or someone a lot more attractive than I.
Fuck it all I don't care anymore....I am just going to
paint a lot of cool shit and no one else can say anyhting
about it cause it will be for me!