2001-12-11 18:48:37 (UTC)

decisions, decisions!

well, things are going along. life is becoming much more
serene, stable and clear. i've been making decisions about
my life, that pertain only to me and how i feel. i know
that might sounds selfish, but i think it's what i need
right now. to concentrate on doing my own thing,
discovering who i am. i find it funny that at the age of
thirty, i've made the decision to explore all the things
that make me tick. to deal with all the mishaps in my
life. daddy, spencer, ken, mom, andreas. yes, all of

it's funny, i've sort of decided in my own way that i'm
single again. despite the fact that i miss scottie and
love him. i'm working on me and what it is that i need out
of life right now. and, i'm not sure if he's it. i'm
beginning to think that i'm out-growing him. dealing with
my issues and working things out. for instance, he
mentioned that it's hard to want to rekindle our
relationship with all of the opposing views from friends
and family. and, my take on that? who cares what they
think, isn't it what we think? isn't it his face that i'm
going to wake up to in the morning? isn't it him that i'll
make love to? so, why is that an issue? if i considered
what others thought about him, i wouldn't have continued
the relationsip this far. i've had sooo many people tell
me that i should end it, but i've listened to my heart and
have trusted my heart. isn't that what we're supposed to
do? and, the fact that he hasn't wanted to deal with us.
to figure things out between us. that presents a problem
for me.

i mean, am i to just forget about all of the past? which
is something that i'm willing to do, but is he? can he
forgive me for behaving in manners that weren't pleasant?
i know that i can forget and forgive about the whole
christine issue, but can he? what about this woman? can
he forgive himself?

all of this presents a problem with me. i'm beginning to
wonder if having a relationship with him is what i want.

which brings me to tim. let's face it, there's been an
attraction between tim and i for the last two years. and,
he's been asking about me. the ultimate question would the timing right?

tim and jeff came down to sunnyvale and we hung out in the
bar, drinking and dancing. it was a blast! jeff was sooo
cute! trying sooo hard to meet a woman. tim, on the other
hand, was quiet and very mature. it isn't anything that i
could name of the top of my tongue, but he has a quietness
about him that i'm very attracted to. sort of like, todd.
a quiet dignity. something about the way he walks and
holds himself. we landed up hanging out until the wee
hours of the morning. that was cool. then back to my
place. and, yes. tim slept in my bed. i found that i
couldn't help myself and before i knew it, we were having
sex. and, god! is he ever so gentle and good!

but, that's not the point. because, we all know that i'm
very impulsive. he's called me and we've talked and he
wants to see me, again. and, i'm excited about the
prospect of doing that. flying to washington for the
weekend or having him come down here to stay.

i like the idea of tim knowing the side of me that isn't
scared to invite someone into my heart. i'm excited about
the prospect of having someone in my life that doesn't have
any of the old garbage of me, to hold against me. and,
that's it! i'm not sure things will work out with scott
and i, because he hasn't moved passed all of that. that's
it! i'm moving past it all and i don't want the man in my
life to hold my past against me.

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