Spyderman of this century

the story
2001-12-11 17:54:50 (UTC)

time to think

i had alot of time to think about whats been happening, i
couldnt sleep last night. but i think i figured out why i
was(am) so depressed. its not because of anything she did
either, but i kinda knew that in the back of m head. Its
all because i thought i ahd finally met some one that i
could have a meaningful relationship with, and i was wrong.
i hate being wrong. ive been on this earth now for 19
years, adn i have never had a meaningful relationship, ive
had a few relationships, but they didnt mean anything, they
were just soemthing to do i guess. i hate the fact that ive
now sen the majority of my friends have very serious
relationships, but i never have, and im starting to think i
never will. i have had a whole lot of time to talk to her
these past days, becuase i went back to work, but im done
w/ school after tomorrow, and i dont work again till
saturday, so im sure i will talk to her alot tonite. i know
shes gonna want to hang out on friday, but i dont know if i
can handle that yet. im gonna go to bradens house, and if
shes there, then shes there. i'm afraid though, that i wont
be able to control my temper, and soemthing will set me
off, and it prolly wont even have anything to do w/ her.
but i will break or kill something if i do snap. i hate to
do that, but i need to get it out, i did a lil yesterday.
but theres still alot more there. i had(have) very strong
feelings for this gurl. all my friends though have been
very supportive. and im thankful for all of them. its not
like this is the first time ive been so badly hurt by a
gurl either. i hate that it happened again, this time the
reason was different, and i hope the result is too, becuase
i havent seen the last gurl in ove r3 years. i dont know if
i will be able to talk to this gurl this time in person for
a lil while. i know im not gonna be able to approach her,
but ifd she tries to talk to me, then i think i will talk.
its so much easier to talk to someone who just ripped ur
heart out when u cant see them. but i have to face facts
soemtime. right now i hate myself, but its no ones fault
but my own. if i could change what has happened i would. i
think though, that if anything, i wouldnt have changed what
i said, i just would have said more, and not tried to start
something so soon. whats really bad though, that because of
this little thing, i did things that i thought i had gotten
over, one of them is really horrible, and last time, i had
to see a psychiatrist for several years. I failed et again,
and i dont know what people would have thought had i
suceeded. my parents have no clue,about nething, the reason
especially, they still think things are good and happy. my
dad knows i drank yesterday, he could smell it on me, he
doesnt know why though. and he doesnt know that just
minutes b4 he got home, i had been on the floor,
unconcious, trying to die.




Ad: