It's ok to be crazy
2001-12-11 10:42:05 (UTC)

healthy for now

gosh i feel so healthy right now. mentally healthy gosh it
has been so long sinc ei have felt this clear.
there were two days where i didn't talk to jon. and you
know what it didn't bother me one single bit. i wasn't
sitting at home thiinking "gosh why hasn't he called me?"
nope not me.i was out enjoying what i have. youknow just
the simple things like sitting wrapping presents with my
mom, or shopping or going out for lunch with a friend.
i wasn't sad or depressed or any of that. and i was
actually proud of myself today. i realized it had been two
days since i last talked to jon and i hadn't had the the
urge to burn myself. yeah for me!
it seems that having low expectatioons for everyone in my
life has given me a bit of freedom. instead of sitting
around waiting i am now going out an doing and enjoying
myself so much more.
the other day i was reading a journal that mike and i would
write back and forth in write poetry to eachother and all
that sort of cute couple crap. and i was amazed by how
truthful we were with eachother in that little book. it
wasn't all just that mushy i love you crap but it was also
the i am pissed and you need to know why sort of stuff and
i found this little thing i had writen him on one of the
many times he had neglected to call

nothing should be expected. yes that is what i say but is
that what i truly mean?
should i not expect to hear your voice when i pick up the
phone when you said you would call
it is never you
all that is there is that painful silence that draws me
into the hole of my thoughts
i have this emptiness without your voice
it is like a drug that i must consume in order to find
peace within myself
but it is a drug i can not obtain
so i sit here drowning in my own self
not expecting you or anything else
but the hope is still there.
strangling everything within me
pulling me down into my own thoughts

but the hope is still there
maybe when i pick up the phone it will be you

yeah so i know that was just silly but you have to
understand i was a high schooler in love. but it made me
realize one thing....it don't want to be like that. i don't
want to be sitting by the phone waiting for someone and
then being hurt and hating myself when it doesn't happen.
so i quit. if jon doesn't want me then he doesn't get me he
doesn't deserve me (jon if you read this i am not mad at
you just asserting myself)and now i have time to find
someone that is perfect for me. i have even had time to
make a list of all things that a perfect man must have
1. a strong relationship with God.
2. he must be a good leader
3. he mus love kids
4. must treat his mother and siblings with respect and must
be affectionate with them
5. must be very forgiving and under standing.

and that is about as far as i have gotten but i think that
alone is a pretty hard order to fill. so if you know anyone
or you are anyone that meets my reqirments just let me
know. no not really. but for now i am off to bed it is
going on 3 now and i have a 9 am appointment with my shrink
good night and untill next time.