Just somewhere to say things
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2001-12-11 07:57:24 (UTC)

How things are

I think I got a confirmation the other day that there
is little chance of her and I ever having a relationship.
I asked her if she and he person that came to visit were
officially dating now, and she said yeah, and she also said
he was probably the only one right now that she would
consider dating because he was the closest of all the
people that wanted to date her. Perhaps I was being rude,
but I informed her that was a lie, and she responded "oh
well there's you too"........4 hours versus the next room
over......One would think it would be hard to forget that.
I stil don't know what to do anyways. I care so much for
her, I love her, I know I do, but my biggest mistake was
trying to hard in the beginning. Now it's like she thinks
that doing any small thing with me, even if it's just going
out, would mean that I assumed we were having a
relationship. I'm not that stupid. I realize that her
heart doesn't belong to me, and that her love isn't mine,
and that she doesn't love me like I love her.......Lord
this is starting to read like a bad romance
novel......anyways, all I want is the chance to go out,
have some fun, just her and I........just....the chance to
show her that it's not just lust for her that I'm feeling,
which is something she's said she's not interested
in.....she wants a family, a husband, a daddy for her
children. I just want the chance to have us enjoy some
time together. For the next two weeks, she's got a friend
visiting, and he's sleeping with her.......a spot I would
love to have, having her there to hold at night, and having
her there, just so I know someone is there, and I'm not
alone. I havn't asked for it.....I've hinted at it, but
I've not asked for it. I'd love to....I'd love to come
out and say "I would enjoy, very much, the chance to hold
you while you sleep.....the chance to feel you against me
while I sleep....to be comforted in your arms" But I
havn't, because I know that will only lead to worse things,
and more problems. after the new year, I hope that she and
I will have some time where we can go out......as it is,
for christmas, there will be maybe one day when we could do
something, but I doubt we will, as we'll be with her
family, or mine. Maybe I'll luck out, but I doubt we'll do
anything until after the new years party at our friends.
Then maybe there will be a weekend, perhaps even a weekday,
where she and I can go out, and get some dinner together,
maybe catch a movie together, or maybe just sit and talk.
Like we used to, I miss that part.......where she and I
would sit, side by side, and just talk.....I've only gotten
to do it twice.......but each time I enjoyed it. I would
like to do it more. I think she just wants me to be a
friend, but I am not sure I can be just a friend anymore to
her. It's impossible for me to look at her and not
think "God.....she's beautiful....and her eyes......I could
get lost in them forever" she makes me smile, just looking
to her......unless she's in someone elses arms, and
then......I try not to look upset. It's not my place to
look upset, she has no ties to me, other then as a
friend.......but a mind can not tell a heart to not cry
when one loves someone who can not or is not yours.
Regardless, maybe things will impove once we can have some
time to ourselves without company, and though I don't mind
having her around, without her daughter......she's a cute,
brite, intelligent child, but she's very bouncy, and does
not allow for private time really. Anyways, tata for now.

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