Nicole77

Ncole24
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2001-12-11 06:43:16 (UTC)

Dec 11,2001 The beginning of my diary

Well I honestly don't know where to start with this it
seems I have so many things going through my head at the
same time.. My life is a big joke these days my marriage is
a joke we barely can even be in the same room with each
other, and my children are beginning to show the signs of
this stress in the house. They don't mind him because all
he does is bitch about everything they or I do, nothing is
ever right.. His job is taking over our life and now to top
things off I can't even trust him at work.. but if he
leaves what will I do? I have no skills, haven't really
ever had a job or worked at anything other than keeping the
house in order and taking care of him and the kids.. We've
only been married almost 2yrs but it already seems like an
eternity.. I have already moved to trying fulfill my needs
elsewhere but that just ended in heartache.. I caught him
again today with the marijuana, hiding again, he promised
he would stop, but once again he has lied to me.. we got
into it and I slapped him a few times, I felt bad about it
afterwards but I couldn't control myself from doing it, I'm
so tired of being lied to. I feel as if I am reliving my
first marriage all over again. He almost left today and I
almost didn't even care, but then I thought where will I
go, what about the kids. No money, No job I just don't
know. It seems some days we are really in love and then
others I hate to see his face. I'm sure he feels the same
way, but we don't do anything about it. I am at the end of
my rope, I don't know what to do anymore, I have come to
the conclusion men and women were not meant to live
together forever. So I ask myself everyday is today the day
he will leave me and the kids to fend for ourselves once
again, but everyday threats but nothing else, we always end
up working something out, don't ask me why. It's not even
worth the effort anymore, I think I need a shrink or
something I have noone to talk to no friends my family
doesn't hear me, I just feel alone all the time I could be
in a crowd but still feel alone. I just feel so bad for the
kids I know that they don't need all the fighting but they
do need a father, in the past 2 yrs he has given the other
two more than their real father ever did.. And the lil one
I don't understand him with her he treats her tough, and
she is his own, he has never given her a bath yet in her
life and she will be a year old in a week, it's like she is
just there, I just don't understand him, and I am beginning
to lose myself as well..


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