ergot and the ju ju queen

antipodean delights...
2001-12-11 04:20:38 (UTC)

what I'm looking for...

I am out of control.. in as much as I feel I am not
controlling things. Other people/other things are directing
me, motivating me, controlling me. I have enjoyed it thus
far. Now, I want it back. I want to continue on this road
I'm on, but I want control back. I want to feel like I
am the one making the decisions.. deciding.. choosing
where to go, what to do, how to act.

Because I'm in the midst of change. And I am glad.

But.. I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

I thought I had. And to some extent, yes I have. But I find
myself still searching. Still looking. Still experimenting.
Still yielding. Still wanting. Still needing.

Why is that?

Let me try to elaborate..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - -

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

- - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(thanks, U2.. :)

You ask me what it is I'm searching for. You say it is an
illicit affair.. danger.. excitement.. secret agent action.

Perhaps..

I have truly not sat still long enough to think about it.
To put it into words. To label what it is I'm doing. What
I'm wanting. Yearning for. I don't know.

You say I want to have sex with someone.

You are right.

I want to have sex with you. :) Wow. It wouldn't just be 'sex'. It
would be the sealing of something we've shared for a long
time. I know it would be so special.

Okay I'm going to lose the thread of this diary entry now..
but I'm just going to ramble. Raw Kirst. Are you ready? I
don't even know what I'm going to write.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. That's not
entirely correct. Because I have found you. Well, you found
me. :) And in you, or perhaps more aptly.. THROUGH
you.. I have found myself. I have found a relationship.. a
whole world.. where I can explore myself. While you explore
yourself. And together we explore each other. Wow. When I
stop to think about that.. I am amazed. It is incredible.
But you know something? I still am not totally raw yet. I
still deceive myself.. you are right. You have such
insight. I admire it. I hate that I hide my head in the
sand so much. Wanting everything to be okay..
wanting the world to be a lovely, beautiful, true,
good, safe, positive place. (Which largely, it is..)

I am aware. Of myself. In a way I never have been before.
And I want so much to continue this journey I'm on. That I
started, really, in earnest, with you. I want to stop
worrying. What you think. I have for the most part, stopped
worrying what others think. And it's soooo liberating. :)
And with you, I am honest. I am true. I am open. It's those
things that I am yet "head in the sand" about, with
myself, that naturally.. I am like that with you and
others also. It's those things, those hidden corners of me,
that I want to now work on. I want to open up. To myself.
And to you. I don't mean to keep them hidden. But you must
admit, I've come a long way. I've changed. I've grown.
(Good or bad?? Who knows.. ;)

Hmm what is my point with all this? I don't know.. I'm just
rambling now. Being raw. So I know where I'm at. Where I'm
going. And so you know.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Oh yeah, that's
right.. Well I feel that I have found what I'm
looking for, in you.. with you.. through you.

A Life Mate . :) And I love that you are my LM. We
truly have been through a lot. Which is amazing,
considering we've never met. We have worked through so
much. And yes, to answer your question from this morning.
Yes, I think it is worth the pain. To get to where we are.

Jealousy. Hmm.. here's a big thing. I want so much to get
past it. I can't keep feeling these feelings. It's not
because I don't trust you. Because I do. I won't go into
this in this entry. It's worthy of a whole new "sit down
and think about it Kirst.." entry. :)

I know you love others. And I love others. We had a
life/have a life.. with others in it. I know that.

I've tried to explain this one other time, but I know it
makes me seem a hypocrite, particularly because I'm
married. (Although I used to feel this way with the bbm).
When I love someone, I love them absolutely. I want to give
so much, shower them with attention, keep them on a
pedestal, adore them, admire them, aspire to keep it
challenging/passionate/romantic everything.. :) And that's
just how I am. (oh god, mills and boon.. lol) I wouldn't
ever have thought that I would want for anything else. For
any other attention. I didn't need any other attention.
Didn't crave it. Didn't want it. Didn't even think it was
an option. My whole attention, really, was on that one person.

So.. now I find myself in this position. Out of love,
really, with the BBM. Loving my LM. Knowing you have a life
with someone you love over there (an unorthodox set up..
but so real, nonetheless). I know you love me. I know we
are special. Ours is unique. I know that. I feel secure in
it. I don't feel unsure about it in anyway.

It's the other part of me, that is "still looking", I
think. The part that "needs" (?) completeness. Does
that make sense.. I don't know. I'm writing as it comes,
I'm not stopping to see if it makes sense.

I won't ever give you up. Couldn't do it. :) I know we're
forever. And I've tried so hard, to be "free", open, a free
thinker, experimenting, experiencing.. the whole works. I
try. I do. And I've come a long way!

Maybe I'm locked so tightly into this "one person for each
person" thing. I don't know.

Can you see it yet? lol

I want you. I need you. :)

I want completeness with you. I know we won't ever have the
completeness, in the context I have found it previously. Or
that could come, with someone else. Because our situations
are different. And I'm not sure that I would love it so
much, if it wasn't so different. :)

What we have is perhaps, after all, so much better.

Man.. just get to the point! lol

Dot points, to get this point across:
- I am used to full on, total, one-on-one.
- I enjoy that. I love that.
- The man loves me. Adores me. I am his.
- I love the man. Adore him. He is mine.
- Boundaries are there. It's solid.
- There's no 'playing' with others. No 'experimenting'.
- I give totally, and he does too.
- there's nobody there to feel jealous of. It's just me and
him.
- - - - - - - - -
- I love you. Feel secure in being your LM.
- You love me. Feel secure in being my LM.
- I am married.
- You love x.
- Our is an antipodean relationship. (Although we have
actually conquered the whole time/distance factor, as much
as is possible.)
- We enjoy our secrets. The 'danger'. The experimenting.
- and yet there's part of me that still longs for what I
know I can't have.. and what I even think wouldn't really
work, with us.

So it's kind of like.. I'm loving this journey with you. We
have a safe haven. We have a whole big wide world of
excitement together. We have secrets. We have trust. We
have loyalty. We have passion. We have FUN! We have desire.
We have tenderness. We have love. :) It's not that I'm
wanting any more.. from anyone else. Because it fills me. With you.

I guess I'm trying to find the boundaries? We chat with
others. We meet others. You 'play' and meet others. I at
one stage deleted nearly everyone. I have started chatting
again. I wonder why. My problem is that I get attached. I
form bonds, no matter how slight. I can't seem to help it.
It's almost like a compulsion.. to be the favourite, of
whoever I meet. Why is that? I don't know. And disregard
that.. lol

So we have each other. :) And we both have a 'significant
other' in our lives. We both are on a journey.. to
experience and experiment and grow and change.

How do I reconcile that.. with everything else I'm
accustomed to.. or the things that previously have driven
me.

oh damn.. I'm going to stop there. It's not coming out
right. See? I've still got to work on this whole raw thing.

I'm getting there.

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

Why am I looking?? What am I looking for? Will I know when
I find it? Or have I indeed already found it?

I have talked with people from Brisbane. Why? Why have I
looked for someone near? Obviously.. because without
thinking it through.. I am looking for something. I am
looking for a possibility of something. Potential.
To meet. To have an adventure? I don't know.

But what I really want.. is to have this
adventure with you, my darling man. :)

Sometimes, I think.. I need to choose. Best friends/Life
Mates OR Best Friends/Life Mates/Lovers :) lol Is it a
choice? Do you ever feel this dilemma too, or not? You
probably just take it all in your stride.

I can't help it, though. I enjoy you too much. :)

Wow.. I want an adventure. I want excitement. I want to be
naughty. I want to kiss. I want to be touched. I want to
turn on. I want to tease. I want to be teased. I want to
feel adored. I want to almost worship - body, mind and
heart..

I want so much.

If you don't want.. if you don't dream.. if you don't
experiment.. if you don't try.. then you don't experience.

Help me, dvl, on this journey. Throw me that lifeline..

I want to be in control again. But at the same time.. I
want you to be with me. I want your direction. I want your
help. I want your insight. I want you.

Don't leave me alone with this. Because I would be scared.
Honestly.. I would be. If I felt I was doing this/being
like this/changing.. on my own. I would be scared, and I
would probably just turn back.

And I don't want to turn back.

I want to keep going. :) To see where this path leads. To
enjoy the journey. To get as much out of it, as I possibly
can.

Stay with me, Life Mate, and enjoy it with me.

Please don't let me get lost, is all I ask.

I trust you.

I love you.

juju :)
xx