Sweet Child

Sweet Life
Ad 0:
2001-12-11 03:28:14 (UTC)

What should I do? I know that I..

What should I do? I know that I should feel a certain way,
but why don't I? This just came around & it's slapping me
in the face telling me this my chance to be truly happy
again. I wonder if it's just a coincidence or just fate. I
don't know. But do I even believe in fate? I don't know. I
mean, I always tell other people to just do it. It might be
your last chance. But I just am not taking the risk right
now. Maybe it's because I have learned to expect the worse.
But now I really know what the worst is. It's so scary
knowing how really bad it can get. But what frightens me
even more is that I wonder if as bad as it gets, it really
as good as it gets. Better to have loved then lost, then
never to have loved at all. What bull shit is that. That
really has alomst nothing to so with this but while I'm
here I guess I'll go there. That seriously is a load of
crap because all of the pain that follows the loss just
makes up for all the pain you had alone. Not only that but
it is worse. Like with Trent. I mean, he really meant alot
to me, but I knew that shouldn't get attacked because I
knew that I cared about him so much. See & know he's gone.
With Aaron. I'm glad that we did enjoy some of time we were
together but now it just makes me sick when I think if what
I no longer have. I asked Aaron if it would be okay to be
just friends, but we all know how that really goes. Plus
when I told him, he didn't seem to thrilled about it. But
what can I do? I already tried. I heard from this guy Roman
who is in his Drama class, that Aaron isn't telling anyone
why he broke uo with me. That he asks him but he doesn't
say anything. That is actually relieving. Noah said one of
the worst things today. Well he said 3 terrible but
possibly true things. First after Roman asked me if I used
to be with Aaron, and I said yes, then he asked what had
happend. Noah with his big mouth replied, "He dumped her
ass" Then Roman asked me if I knew why. Before I had a
chance to say anything Noah again said, "He got tired or
bored of her" Then after that I was just so mad I could
hardly say anything. I mean, this was on the bus, with a
bunch of people that I have to see everyday, plus Noah was
load enough for the people outside to hear. Then once Noah
realized I was mad, he said, "Damn, Christina, you & Aaron
are over now, get over it. Move on." It makes me angry just
to think about it. But one day I will shut Noah up for
good. I will rip his throat out & chop off his tongue so he
can never talk again. And I mean it. What sucks the most is
that, Luke said to me while we were talking, "Man, why are
all girls the same?" I mean, that could really be the
truth. Maybe I am just plain & ordinary. One of things I
fear & hate are true of me. I don't understand. Another
thing I hate, is people who act like they care about me &
ask me how I am doing. I hate when people act like they
care. I hate for people to be nice to me. I don't know why.
I just do. So back to Trent. Man, he's gone now. I expected
it, but not before me. How could he just leave me behind.
I'm suppose to be the first to go. And my other chance. Why
aren't I taking it? What is still holding me back? I'm
afraid to death to let anyone else in. Shit happends, what
can you do? Right? I know that Aaron, said I had nothing to
worry about, but I already expected the worse. Even though
it did disturb me. So that can't be fully it. I just want
to live. I don't know what is stopping me. Why am I so
afraid to start anything? Why am I afraid to trust anyone?
What the hell is wrong with me? I just don't get it. If you
are one of those people who knows me, please a respose
would be greatly appreciated. Please. No William, I'm not
asking for help. I did that with Aaron & it didn't turn out
too well so don't expect anything. Anything at all. But
from anyone else, please, tell me simply what you think.
Anyone. As a matter of fact, if you read this give me
simply what you think. Not that I care but it's not always
so bad, listening to what people have to say. This doesn't
happen often so take advatage. Just don't try to act like
you know more about me than I do. That really pisses me
off. Well thanks. Bye!