Infiniterocker

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2001-12-10 17:13:40 (UTC)

scary doomy goth pop music is playing next to me...

I'm once again in Photo...I don't know how many of my
entries start out saying "I'm in Photo..." bla bla bla. I'm
so predictable. I just typed some paper for mike...he came
in here so fucking high. I should be at home sleeping...no
one should make me get up so early ...I can't function. It
doesn't matter how much sleep I get...if I wake up before
like 9:30...I'm gone for the day. You know..when I first
moved here about 10 months into it...I felt like I was
losing myself, who I really was...who I really am...I can't
really explain it...but I think that I'm getting back to
me...who I am...maybe it's Jason who's got me back in
the "swing of things" I'm really not sure. That's one thing
that will never be the same....before I could always access
my feelings...I was so accurate too....bleh..and now I'm
like ...yeah ummm...I'm not sure what I'm feeling but you
should understand me damnit!...and it's really not fair
that I do that..But I still have this feeling that people
should fucking understand me....and if they don't ....well
you see I feel that if they're my friend they should try at
least....
Then there was Saturday night. I talked to Jason about
Jamie. He doesn't think that she is a real friend to me. He
said it doesn't matter what we've been through...and that
she really fucked me over...but really I know with all my
heart that Jamie would never purposely hurt me. He can't
understand because he doesn't know. He really doesn't know.
It would kill me to lose her. It really would. She may have
handled the situation wrong...she tried...also I kept
telling her I was fine..that's what I needed at that
point..I just didn't want to talk about it anymore..it was
all too obtuse...There wasn't a right thing or a wrong
thing to do. And now I almost feel like I should have kept
all those events to myself...even though I don't regret it
because I want to always stay completely honest with
Jason.but....Because I did tell him, naturally...and
rightfully so...if Jason ever meets her..or Donny...he'll
judge. I don't really care if he judges Donny...but I mean
he doesn't know Jamie, he doesn't understand what she puts
up with on a daily basis. And there is nothing that should
or can be done to Eric to make it all better...it's really
not his place to "teach him a lesson"... Kicking his ass
isn't going to make him realize what he did wrong...he
isn't intelligent at all....I know he'll get his...if he
hasn't already. I don't wnat to just pretend that none of
this happened..I just want to move on...I can't dwell on
things like that.... What's done is done...revenge is
stupid...and just because Jamie didn't throw Eric in jail
doesn't mean she betrayed me. It's Wayne..you don't know
how tangled it is until you LIVE there. I can't explain
it...it's just one of those things. I'm glad Jason gives a
shit though. It's nice to know he cares that much about
me....it's just...with this issue I don't think he can
understand.
As far as this weekend...it was really great. I love being
around Jason. I took pictures of his band last night..If
they come out (the light sensor was fucked up..) I know
they will be reaaally great. His band is perfect to take
pictures of...just the way they move...and that room ...it
all = good pictures. (: I had a great weekend.


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