My Therapy Diary
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2001-12-10 16:17:31 (UTC)

My name is Eva and I'm f*cked up


Thought that I would start keeping a diary to write
everything down in. I mean, you are supposed to feel better
when you have gotten a chance to write down all the
feelinga you have inside but don't know how to deal with. I
hope it helps. Sometimes when I'm really depressed it feels
like I want to just tell someone everything about my life
and how I feel, just to let them know how f*cked up
everything is for me. And that would NOT be a good idea.

I actually did that once, to a school nurse. Well, she did
her best to help me feel better, like tried to find some
activities (like acting and stuff) that I could start
doing to get some friends and stop being so shy, but I
never really got started. I'm to much of a coward I guess.
Anyway, she quit the next semester. I'm actually rather
glad she did. You see, the problem with me is that
sometimes I feel really bad, and sometimes I feel good. And
when I feel good I don't really want to talk about when I
feel bad. You see? That's why I don't want to talk about
it. I did once to my mother too. Like, really broke up in
pieces and cried and everything. She got real worried of
course, and tried to figure out some way to help me, but it
all ended as nothing. Somehow it always does. Maybe I don't
want help. I hope that's not the case.

But anyway. Now I want to keep this diary, to prevent me
from doing such a stupid thing again. I mean, suddenly
burst and tell someone about everything that's going on.
It's not like there could come anything good out of that.
All it would do would be to make them worried, they would
not be able to help me or anything. Sometimes I think that
maybe I'm the only one that can do that. And I don't care
enough about myself to do it.

But okay, I must confess that what I just wrote was a lie.
I'm not writing this to keep myself from bursting. I kind
of allready had. I'm writing this diary to my boyfriend, to
let him know how I feel about things and myself since I
cannot manage to say it straight to his face. So I do it
like this instead. I AM a coward. Always have been, always
will be. But anyway. Honeybunny, when you're reading this,
I just wanna say I love you. Okay? I know I shouldn't do
this when you already have enough problems of your own to
take care of, without having to read about mine, but you
asked me and I felt like it. I'm sorry. I can be so damn
selfish sometimes. But anyway, I love you.

Thousand kisses.

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