LovingLady

Intro and some 'Roxy tid-bits'

This week is conference week at Tumwater Middle School, so
I'm out early. I got in troulbe yesterday, so I had to walk
straight home and not hang out with my friends. Pretty
fuckin' lame. So I get home around 11:00 am and I find
myself home alone. I can't leave though, because I am
affraid one of my parents will call and I will be caught
out of the house. So how do I waste the time away?
Lucklessly (if there is such a word) searching the internet
for some worth-saving pictures of Angelina Jolie. Then I
gave up on that, being as that I have seen most of them
before anyway, and started looking for artwork- sketches,
drawings, paintings--- of dragons and other mystical
creatures. My favorite kind of dragon, I suppose, would
have to be the Amphitere. It is a water dragon, but not a
serpant. It has two wings, and two- short legs. Very strong.
Anyway, my boredom led me to this site where I am
typing about my boring day. I don't know if this will be of
any interest to me in the future... as if I want to look
back on this and see such a lame girl- someone who didn't
leave when she wasnt supposed to. But I can tell you
something... I am not a good girl. A couple of weeks ago,
me and one of my best friends, Ali (She goes by Angel) and
I were bored *common theme* and decided to try something.
Angel says to me, "Katt (my nickname) How 'bout you and I
try to be good girls. You know, lets carry our make-up
around with us and dress nice eachday- be polite, even to
out parents. Even try not to lie to our parents-" I agreed,
but I had my doubts. It turns out, that just by trying to
dress nicely, and smell good all the time, and carry make-
up with you which you use to 'freshen up' between passing
times at school and when you get home, isn't all that bad.
It is kind of amusing, actually- and I suppose if you get
yourself to think you have to do it- it takes away from the
time you could be sitting and thinking about how horrible
something about yourself or your life/situation is. It also
takes time away from the hours children spend being bored
and restless.
However, Angel could not handle the "and not lie to
your parents" part. She really wanted to be honest with her
mother, but I guess she had quite a troublesome time
getting it right that she gave up. Me on the other hand,
not that I am any better than she- I dont like to lie-
especially to my mother. I just feel bad afterwards, and
even though I lie to her a lot, within a week or two at the
most, I have admited and apologized for my wrong doing.
Pathetic Roxi... can't stand herself a lie or two to save
her ass- My honesty has gotten me in trouble many times. It
also sent me to a psyciatrist on two seperate occasions.
Being that I fired my first one. (The best thing he did for
me, was help me on my math homework- I still failed, but it
was a nice thought... his name was Dr. Hansen) Then much
later... maybe a year later... I got stuck with Dr.
Wagamen. I hated being in his company- shut up in that
little room with him- the best thing was the couch *oh so
comfy* I hated the way he acted. He was always smiling. Not
a smile as if for a camera, but as if he was trying not to
laugh at some food in your teeth. And he did laugh, at
every other thing I said. He could ask me a simple
question, like "Have you been hurting youself anymore?" and
I would simply say "no" and he would badger me, saying "
well let me see your arms, and your legs too-" and I would
reply with something like, " If you don't believe me when I
say I haven't been inflicting pain on myself then maybe you
will believe me when I say that this is the last pay check
your getting from my family" and he would sit there in his
office chair laughing hysterically. His round pot belly
shaking when he did so, which made his chair bounce a
bit... up and down up and down as he chuckled on. He always
used to tell me that I had such a sence of humor and oh how
snappy I was. I always put him in my place and was, I
suppose, particularly nasty to him- and yet he still said
he liked spending time with the people who had an attitude
like mine. Just about everything he said annoyed me. So you
see, I have learned not to be completely honest with my
parents. I tell them the truth, that yes- I have been
having suicidal thoughts lately- or that yes, I do honestly
believe I am bisexual- and off I go again to have some
annoying man or woman laugh and have a great ole'
time "helping" me while they take my family's money. I
swore never to go to another psyciatrist as long as I live
in the same house as my parents. My dad refuses to go, so I
shouldn't have to either. But my parents are far from
fair... especially when it comes to respect and
understanding- My father is always getting what he wants,
and mom and I are left behind- sometimes even eating dinner
alone. But I dont mind anymore. It used to bother me- but
it would probably be stranger to me, for him to pay
attention to me. I simply wouldnt know what to do if he
said my hair looked good, or asked if I would like to go to
the movies with him and take one of my friends along. I
wouldnt know, either, what to say if he asked me where I
wanted to go eat dinner or even gave me a choice of what I
would eat for dinner at home. They say the expect me to be
more independant, but when I have an oportinity to prove
that I am responsible and independant, they dont trust me
enough to let me have a go at it. It is hard for me to fail
without letting me try. Enough about *them*
Today at 2:30 my Grandma Rupe is coming to pick me up
from my house and take me down to the Old Town Center... we
call it the Rec or the Center... its a hang out for teens.
Its got two pool tables, something like 6 computers, a
television, indoor basketball court, stereo system, and a
place for all those skateboarders to get down. Oh, an air
hockey table, a pingpong table, and they serve popcorn and
treats there, too. Anyways I am hoping to meet Jo there. We
have plans to meet there at 4;30 because we have to trade
shoes back. My mom kind of got mad when she found out Jo
took my shoes home and I took Jo's home. Jo is one of my
pretty new friends- but already she is one of the best. I
have learned my lesson not to let people have my trust too
soon- it will really reck your life up. Mine is pretty
fucked already but I think I can be strong and patch it up.
Parts of it, however, will never be healed. Like my heart
for instance... Desi sent a few bullets through it last
year, and one of them healed up- but the second still
hurts, and this year if feels as if she had ripped the damn
thing out and dumped it down the garbage disposal. My heart
belongs to her, and she did with it as she pleased. I wish
it had been sold to someone else who loved me as much as
they said they did. I know now that she doesnt really love
me like she claimed. That is another lesson I've learned...
the most painful lesson of all I will ever know I am sure.
I wont get into my relationships just yet- I'll save that
for another day. I dont want to get all teary or anything
just yet- maybe later tonight when I am not about to go out
partying at the Rec and all- but it is time for me to go,
I'm going downstairs to find me a snack. (fatning, fatning,
is the best- if its 'light' it flunked the test!) I can eat
whatever I want though, because I have such a good
metabolism that I can eat and eat, and never gain an ounce.
I guess I am lucky for that- but not for much else... Oh
that reminds me also- later I must tell about when I ran
away from home.. *hmmm wish I could relive that*
I really do have to go. I have to eat before I go, and I
have to hurry because my grandma will be here soon.

Love Always
Roxi Lane *Katt Love*