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2001-12-10 09:38:48 (UTC)

Lots To Think About

Well that was just interesting. I just met a guy for sex. I
have never done that before. I never thought I would do
that. See my friend I have known for a while. We hung out
one night and he triedto kiss me. Things didn't seem to
work out long story there. Well he ims me and one thing
leads to another and he ends up asking me if we can sleep
together. Well part of me is like cool I so miss that. Part
of me is like no way I cna't get out of the house,I'd never
be that bold, I'd feel guilty int he morning etc. Well he
ended up winning. I was pretty calm until I got in his
truck. The I was ok until he stopped at the store to buy
condoms. Then we got to his place and I thought I wouldn't
be able to handle it. Thankfully the whole you are a guy
I'm a girl thing kicked on. Also since he is a friend it
wasn't so bad as a stranger. He's actually pretty good. You
can tell he actually is inerested in the girl enjoying it
too. The only thing is at the end he seemed like ok I'm
done lets get you home. That was a lot rougher than I'm
used to and we tried a ton more positions than I ever have.
The funny part was when he wanted me to be on top. I so
didn't know what I was doing. He finally gave up. It stil
hurt this time. well not hurt just uncomfortable. I'm still
sore. I still can't believe I did that. Yet I don't feel
dirty and all guilty like I did when I messed around with
Mike. But there can be so many other reasons for that. I
mean with Mike I didn't know if I was corrupting him or
not, I wasn't expecting that and not in the right frame of
mind I wth all the Steve stuff or it could just be that it
hasn't all caught up with me yet. Interesting night though.

Then there's the other guys. Chris has been flirting with
me I think. What does that mean? There's weirdo who calls
me late all the time and asks me about my feet. Then
there's church boy who knows what he wants. Then there's
Eddie. He said he liked me when I was dating Steve. Then
when I wasn't there was Marjorie. Now she's gone nad he's
been majorly flirtng and he's all concerened and wants to
help. Who know? Then there's that new guy from Lousianna, I
think,that's flirting with me. Then there's Jason who all
of a sudden is talking to me and wants me to go to that
wedding. Who knows if I missed anyone. I so don't know who
actually wants anything. And among them who knows what I

Then there's Steve. He's acting weird, but oh well he is
weird. The I read on his profile long term relationship.
What does that mean? Who is it? Is it really someone? Why
didn't he tell me? Why am I going off the deepend?

Then there's school. Finals start tommmorw. Well today
becuase it's after 12. I am so unmotivated. I am in my 4th
year and jsut want to be done. I have been doing nothing
but sitting here. I guess I should study some but I just
can't get myself to do it.

Then there's Susan. Yeah it's great that I feel attacked in
my own home. Yeah for the trillion rules I need to follow.
Yeah for not being ableto go downstairs without first
checking her mood. Stuff like this can go on and on.
I'mstill mad about what she siad a few weeks ago. Then she
will be nice or do nice things and I feel so guilty about
saying bad things about her,thinking bad things etc. It's
so frustrating. I can't wait until I get to hang out at
moms. Then again is that being ungreatful. I also have to
wait until the 21st. I'm torn too. I want to be with mom to
get away from some of these things to. I also feel like dad
does holidays just for me. If I'm gone that would be easier
for him. Yet I feel like he has done so much and to just
leave him alone at the holidays would be mean. I don't

Then there's the family I tutor for. I feel like I'm not
good enough. I feel bad that they have to drive me and that
she gives me food to bring home. I know all of this is
being done out of kindness but I still feel bad. My job is
to make life easier for them. I feel like I'm making it
harder. I also feel bad becuase now he's paying my
salary,food money and gas money. I'm not eventhat good. I
feel so so bad. I so wish I could drive there. I wish I
could back to give back to them but i cn't and that bugs me.

Then there's stuff about Aaron. I know he likes me, but do
I trust him? If so how much? How close do I let him? Would
I want him over some of the other guys or would I not. I
was so glad he was open with me and that counted for a lot.
The thing is can a person who was once lik that really
chage? Also it seems like in some situatons he really did
what worked for him. The only exception I can think of was
Linda. It's like whatever can get him out of a situation.
Is he like that now? Now how about he he flips over girls.
That's not stable. Sitting on train tracks, playing with a
knife etc. are not stable things to do. The what about
brent? Is what he knows of Aaron so engrianed that he cna't
beleieve he's changed? Or does Brent see him for who he
really is? Why couldn't I read Aaron? Is it because he
isn't that anymore so I can't see it or is he just good at
hiding it. That scares me to think that I would miss
osmething and not be able to read someone.

So here I am with nice mixed up thoughts trying to get them
on paper so to speak so I can sleep. My home is a mess, guy
stuff is up in the air. I don't care about school and I
want to go home. I so don't know how to reconcile faith
with sex or that I choose to do that. I don't know how it
al fits or if it does or if I care if it does. Also, do I
do this with Chris again? If Chris wants something do I go
for it or see what's better for me?

Eddie did something itneresting tonight. He's all are you
depressed. I said kinda why. He said I could tlel your
upset. The he told me to talk to him because he said he
cares a lot about me. That was so sweet. The he mentioned
taking a drive togehter. That was sweet too. Before he wasl
ike yeah get driving so we can hang out. What does this new
thing mean? If he did head "that" direction would I follow.
I so like tlaking to him but then i see the famlies at
church and think I want that. Argh.

I don't know what to wear to that wedding still. Jason was
no help. At least he was good company. He's fun to talk to.

Wow I am finally getting tired. How late is it and how much
have I written lol. Time to go to bed me thinks. Try to lay
down and shut off for tonight.

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