i always close down. it's something i'm used to because
that's all i did when i was in high school. i never exposed
myself. always living in fear of someone finding out about
who i possibly was or could be. not trusting anyone is a
very stressful feeling. literally watching every step you
make because your afraid you might draw attention to
yourself and become the target of someone's hate.
sitting/standing/laying/moving as someone HATES you.
i always ask myself the question of how people of higher
education can permit harassment in the most explicit form-
and i can never answer it because there is not answer.
the investigation is going to be draining. i can feel it
now. i need this. someone to push me in a more conceptual
way of represting my work. i am on the verge of it now, but
i want to push myself over that edge. the reception of the
show is going to be something i don't want to face
directly. i don't want the sympathy and "i feel sorry for
you" shit. that's not the intention of the space. male on
male rape is not recognized as "rape" because our society
tell us that men who say they have been raped are fag's and
what do we care about them anyway. they don't use their
privleged gift of reproduction.
so, i just remembered that i saw stalker the other day. i
was getting some chinese food and a movie. i was about to
order the chinese when i hear "CHRIS". i thought it might
be someone that was going.....well anything. i had to go
over and say some words....i always get the feeling that he
really has some kind of desire for me. it's just the way he
loks at me when i say something. i think he is envious of
my "difference" which bothers me on one hand, because if i
was just "ordinary" he would have nothing to do with me. i
always feel as thought he is going to use my ideas in a way
that is obviously connected to me, and then i just feel
this distancing in an uncomfortable way that suggests the
possiblity of scary commitment.
NO MORE! no is amazing. i like her casualness. with herself
and with others. we don't really talk much anymore due to
the lack of time our majors permit us. we really are close.
knowing you can tell someone anything about yourself and
not worry is commitment. both of us have been threw some
delicate situations, and being there for each other has
really been essential. sides of ourselves come out only
with each other-----like discussing our sexual pleasures in
COMPLETE honesty--and not feeling "wrong".