hannah1981

intra venus
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2001-12-10 06:54:53 (UTC)

fuck

mortality. that has really been a big issue with me lately.
my grandfather is slowly dying in front of me and i just
can not bring myself to realize that soon i will not have
him. he has been the "male" figure in my life that i have
liked. yes, he is sexist, racist, and impossibly outspoken,
but with him i can see past all of that. (normally, i can
not but that's another story.) i feel as though he has been
there throughout my life when NO ONE else wanted to have
anything to do with me. I never made friends until high
school and then all they did was use me for their own
benefit. duration is something that is unfamiliar territory to
me.
as some people know, i am starting to develop a small crush
on jack black. he stimulates an on going thought that
sometimes there is someone who is meant for you. what the
fuck did i just type? i am always attracted to celebrities,
but never people i see at school or wherever. even if i was
to see someone, i'm always disappointed, and therefore
develop an "uninterest" in them. getting over that
expectation of long termedness isn't easy. why do i even
think in terms of long-term?
adam keeps calling. when the fuck is he supposed to get the
fucking hint that i don't want to speak to him anymore. he
fucking broke my heart. that is such a fucking idoitic
sentence, but i am leaving it because it's true. he thinks
that he can just throw me around like some fucking hole. i
can't handle just being friends. what i felt at one point
in time was more than anything i have ever felt for anyone
in my fucking life. now, it's starting to heal. i always
say that i am over him, but i really am not. i still think
about the fact that what if he was the only person i ever
feel for? that really scares me. i don't want to call it
love because that's something i am unfamiliar with. i don't
know what that word means or how it feels. not that i am
putting a "defintion" on it, but it's something you
just "know" and i didn't get that "just know" feeling with
him. it was more about being with someone. the thought of
finally having someone to talk to at night, going to eat
with---and not being at a lose for conversation, sleeping
together and not just imagining. anything. i was ready for
it all and i didn't get anything, but a smoking habit and
pressure to get drunk and produce my gentials--which i DID
NOT. i can't say that i didn't learn more about myself from
him than from any other person i have ever met. i learned
something that NO ONE else could have discovered in me.
toleration. i am not willing to tolerate everything in
hopes of someone slightly expressing some kind of interest
in me that isn't because i am their new toy. sometimes
people make others their's because their afraid of losing
someone that, politically, makes them a "well-rounded"
person. FUCK! i am an object all the time. always being
looked at and questioned because i refuse to conform in
certain area's of my life. does that make someone odd?
because they have integrity and they won't always do what
it takes to get an A? does it make someone strange because
their not afraid to speak openly about themselves-in first
person?
today wasn't very eventful---sunday's are always fucking
like that. time moves slower than any other day---and
nothing ever is accomplished. i did meet with bro today and
we discussed parents. always a favorite topic amongst us. i
still have that damn paper to write---which i KNOW i will
leave for the last moment in which it will be genius.
prepare yourself for through analysis.


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