Unholy and Dirty and Beautiful Me
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2001-12-10 06:13:40 (UTC)

Old fires are burning..

Last night a bunch of us went to a bar in the city & of
course, I ran into TrS & a bunch of his friends. ShW was
there, he's a guy I hooked up with a couple of years ago.
He's a friend of DaD's (not my dad though LOL). D & I were
together for 2 years when he suddenly fell of the face of
the Earth for about a month. During that time was when I
hooked up with S, partly because he was mint & also because
I figured it would be a good way to piss off D. When D & I
got back together I lied & told him I hadn't slept with S.
Well...a few months down the road I told him the truth & D
was pretty upset. We almost never fought, but that was
pretty close to our biggest problem. We stayed together for
a while but eventually things deteriorated.
When D & I ran into eachother a few months back & ended up
spending the night together (nothing bad...we DID kiss &
hug once though...) & talkin about Us and why We broke up
he pretty much blamed me for lying to him. I DID lie, I
won't deny that. However, at the time where the hell was
he??? When the guy you're with for over two years suddenly
stops calling/etc. you don't think about his feelings. I
acted out of anger & boredom...S was what I needed at the
time. It would have been best for me to just be upfront
with D when he asked me, but I hadn't been able to bring
myself to tell him. We stayed together almost another year
after all of that.
So, I guess it's both of our fault that we aren't together
anymore. I can't say it's only that though, there was
something else. I won't say I didn't change, but he really
changed for the worst. He started using the drugs we
sometimes liked to party with on a regualar
all the time. That also wasn't it....I mean, he worked
hours away from home for weeks straight & when he came
home, things just weren't the same. There were many factors
in our breakup, but neither of us "cheated" on eachother
(he was even seeing another girl during that month I was
with ShW, so....ya.)there was no abuse, we hardly
fought....the sex was good, we shared MANY great times & he
really was my very best friend.
I love that boy so much, I still think about him
constantly. He told me that he felt the same way that time
we talked, we both got kinda silly reminiscing &
complaining about how things are now. I can't figure out
why we didn't try to work things out between us because we
both knew it was worth it. We had so much's
so sad. I'm getting choked up right now just thinking about
it. Thinking about how pathetic I've grown without him, how
many men I've been with since. Disgusting. I miss him. It's
HIM I want to be with. I can't even compare any of the
other guys I've been with to him because they'll never,
ever cut it.
I have to wait until someone else makes me feel the way he
did. I am so upset with myself for feeling the way I do
about something I hardly tried to work out. It's been about
a year and a half since we broke up & I think about him
every day. That's how I know I love him.
Sick sick sick.

ToF, who I dated a few months ago was at the bar the other
night. Said he thought I dropped off the face of the Earth.
Haha. Life is so funny isn't it. People hurting, being
hurt. Terrible. Anywyas, made a clean break from him &
went back to my girls...the waitress brought me a drink
from him & when I looked over to where he was earlier, he
was gone. Couldn't even say thanks. Ah, well...

JaC (J) hasn't bothered to even try getting his stuff. I
don't care anymore. I'll just keep it in the bag, not
gonna bother dropping it off for him. Bastard hasn't called
at all to get it so.....ya, his loss. I don't want his shit
but I'm not going out of my way for him.

Fucking fuck.

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