Meanwhile. back in the band room
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2001-12-10 05:53:38 (UTC)

Something I had to learn on my own.

I am the biggest bundle of nerves you will ever meet in
your entire life. I don't think I am going to live very
long at this rate, and quite frankly, I don't want to live
much longer if the rest of my life is going to be this way.
I am so sick of all of my bull-shit getting in the way of
my goals. And I'm not even certain I really have goals.
Maybe I just tell myself I have goals, knowing all the
while I never planned on acheving them. Maybe life would be
too pointless if I didn't have my fake goals. I can't think
of a single thing I have set out to do that I have finished
sucessfully. I know I've completed many things, but not to
the level I know I am capable of. I am fucking smart. I
know it and so does everyone else, but I fuck everything up
to the point that I appear stupid and average. That is it.
Because I am not doing anything to change, I am average. A
nothing. I want to be a something. A something that is
happy, and not always so stressed out about everything that
it has fucked up. I just want to get through school. I
could blame it on my parents, but I thank them for the
things they gave me. I am a strong person. They made me
smart. Responsible is a whole other category. That is now
my problem, and I don't even know where to begin. I start
the process of becoming responsible, but then my pattern of
excuses and conniving takes over and I realize it too late
to fix the original plan. Like right now. I was doing so
well in all of my classes. Then I fucked up and didn't
control my situation, and now I am screwed. I lost my power
over myself, and I became lost in my excuses and I am to
the point where I am sick of myself. I don't want to be me
anymore. Even that statement is an excuse. I have heard
from my family for too many years that they are sick of my
and my excuses, but I beleived in my excuses. I didn't see
them for what they were. I thought that my family owed me
their respect and trust, but they don't owe me a God Damned
thing. They never have, and I am done being a child. I am
going to earn thier respect, and Fuck excuses. Fuck lies.
Fuck everything I have been. I can see myself for who I am,
and Fuck me.