2001-12-10 01:58:21 (UTC)

Misty Misty Misty...

I too do not know what I want and with things the way they
are on the other side it makes it seem like a choice
between friendship and no chances sometimes... there's
nothing I can do about it that I can think of so there it
is. I never realized that I am still able to respond to
her in ways I couldn't control consciously until one time I
was talking to her for a while and Paco (or Troy?) showed
up and as I was letting her go, the way the conversation
was ending, it just naturally flowed into this ending where
it seemed like an "ok, well, bye, love you" kind of good
bye was taking place, but it felt like she caught herself
and cut herself off at "ok, well, bye, l..." - and even
though I heard it it was going fast and I still had the
momentum myself to almost say it too, but I had caught
myself in time too, so it was just "ok, bye, l...". So,
the question - what the fuck am I doing? I love her, she
may or may not love me, she has a guy though, but this
stuff still happened - I made a subtle hint in an entry
about moving unless I came to have a reason why I shouldn't
which provoked no reply thus I assumed I was no longer read
and had no second thoughts about how I wrote things in
here - not that I ever worry about that I guess - but I do
word things with a little more consideration for accuracy's
sake when I knew Misty was reading it, so - hmmmmm,
actually, I never thought of that before?...

In a perfect world I could just be happy with someone, have
kids, a job that involves passion/art, live well, have a
body to sleep beside at night, not ever have to worry about
loyalty (they wouldn't either), enjoy the world, see of
much of it as I can, - and be over sexxed I guess too... I
made my contributions to sociology, philosophy, and
political science and feel accomplished, but art (music
especially) and love are never satisfied in my life and I
do not know why... What does the world want from me, and
just what do I have to do to be happy again? I just got
off the phone again with her but she's working on a paper
so... What did she mean by feeling like she is in love
with two people? If she really does love me I don't want
her to stop feeling that way. I also don't want to lose
her as a friend either. I never felt this way before. I
want to see her and hang out - relax - chill out - hang out
with the entire crew down there too - help watch Ceiola -
it just does my soul so much good and to be honest there is
not a lot in my life these days that I can say that about.
On the other hand, I still dream of her sometimes - it
varies a lot, but she is always naked in them. Do I lack
the courage to reach out or am I to believe there is simply
nothing to reach for? How am I supposed to explain the
warmth I feel when I look her in the eyes even when I do so
today? Possibility appears and disappears, and addressing
it makes it seem like it's affraid to show itself.
Sometimes I feel like I'm loved, and it makes the days here
really great - and I admit, if I'm being led on then that
makes me feel good in the here and now too - but I guess
calling it being led on or not calling it being led on
totally depends on how she feels and whether or not I ever
had a chance in the first place. The night of the
whole "leg imagery, and etc..." thing when I
was "threatened that she could say more, a lot more" I
wanted to instigate more so badly...

I just don't know what I am doing right now - I should take
her approach and block it out with studies for a while...

But for what it is worth two things:

I love her enough to just be friends and be happy for her.
I privately hope it is real to her.