squeebs

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2001-12-09 17:33:52 (UTC)

A burden...

Last night I went back into one of my depressive moods. I
wanted out. I didn't want to hurt myself- this is me- Lil
Miss Anti-Suicide. I know it's wrong. So instead I was
laying in bed, praying to God that he take me. That I'd be
gone and no longer be a burden to everyone around me. I
can't help but feeling like that. My parents help pay for
my schooling- if I were gone, they wouldn't have to worry
about it anymore. They could stop worrying about me. If I
were gone, I wouldn't be holding my friends back. That's
what I feel I'm doing. That they're only staying with me out
of the goodness of their hearts when otherwise, they'd be
free. Jess was the smart one- she ditched me. But Kim's so
special. You know, she could have more than me but I'm
holding her back... And I'm sick of crying. I need a hug and
she won't give it to me which frightens me because there's
Jess who won't speak to me and then there's Kim who seems to
think I have the plague and won't touch me. If only she
knew how special she was...
Then I was thinking about how I am always supposed to be
the strong one in my family. I have to be strong for my
sister- she's been through so much. And my parents are both
sick. I can't worry them. And I'm sick of being compared to
my sister. I'm always the responsible one, the smart one,
the loyal and strong one. I'm not allowed to make a mistake
because I'm supposed to know better. I'm supposed to be
strong for my sister. Give her advice, pick up the pieces,
you know. And sometimes, I need someone to pick up MY
pieces. I'm the LITTLE sister- is she not the one supposed
to be protecting me? But she's the fun one, the pretty one,
the one that everyone loves. I've had guys pretend to like
me to get close to my sister. I didn't have a teenage life
because I was too busy living in the shadows, dealing with
low self-esteem. Maybe that's why I've been living it now-
you know- the obsessive pop-act thing and all that. And I'm
sick and tired of defending everything and everybody I
believe in. I'm entitled to my opinion too people. Yes,
N'SYNC actually SINGS- and yes, their music is good. Ok,
maybe he's not the most beautiful thing in the world but I
think he is. And yes, he's done some questionable things in
his life but in no means does it overshadow the good
stuff...
Ok, so I'm all down in the dumps, cried myself to sleep
again last night, almost giving myself an asthma attack in
the process. But in the midst of all this (and it may sound
weird) in my dream last night, my Grandpa J came to me. He
comes to me when I'm really really sad or feeling bad about
myself. He's done it once before, shortly after he died when
I was last feeling this bad about myself. Anyways last
night, he sat with me and he said "Nancy (he used to call me
that), don't you know how special you are? And don't think
anybody wouldn't miss you if you were gone. Your parents
would be basketcases and contrary to popular belief, your
friends would miss you too. Honey, it'll all get better. I
promise you. Now smarten up!" And he hugged me and left. And
I felt a whole lot better after that. At least about
myself. Apparently I'm still in defensive mode, trying to
defend people because people are picking on them for no
specific reason. But Grandpa J, thank you because I feel so
much better right now and to hell with everyone else for the
time-being. I love you Grandpa J. Miss you too.

Current mood: calm
Current music: "Something Like You"- N'SYNC


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