Ataris11701

Emo song waiting to happen...
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2001-12-09 08:41:51 (UTC)

Good-bye Good-times...

wow.... so this is a diary... I've never had a diary
before, this is kinda cool, I guess this is one way to let
out crap on my mind. My friend Tina suggested this
website, she's so great. I used to like her once, but not
like that's important or anything, she's a great friend
though. Today was kinda cool cause I got to practice with
my band, but we fought alot so that sucked. Later I went
to the movies with some friends and met a friend of a
friend of mines who was one of the most beautiful girls
I've ever seen, but I shouldn't think of her like that
hahaha. I'm very sad right now because I'm worried sick of
my girlfriend... there's nothing wrong with her really like
physically or anything, she's not gonna die, but I think
she has feelings for some other guy, who just turns out to
be like my arch nemisis (is that how you spell that?) hell
if I know, but he's also my friend. I guess you could say
we're secretly rivals, we're both lead members of a band
and we kinda compete against eachother, it kinda sucks, but
he's a pretty cool friend. My girlfriend and I have been
having some problems lately, we haven't been talking as
much for some odd reason, she had confronted me about it
last week and said I don't talk to her anymore, so lately
I've been trying to talk to her but every time I do she
cancles me out for her friends... and when she's not with
her friends she'll either be pissed or depressed about
something and she's like in one of those moods like she
doesn't wanna talk to me or something so sometimes I don't
even bother. She makes me feel like the bad guy. Friday
was our 1 month anniversary and I wanted to make it extra
special for her seeing as how things haven't been so well.
I didn't have the time or the money to get her anything so
I made her a mix-tape with all my favorite songs, and I
wrote a letter with it. I stayed up til 2:00 making it
cause I had stupid projects to work on all night. I was
planning on taking her out to eat somewhere special but
turns out it didn't happen. After I got home from drivers
ed, she called me and told me she was with her friend
Marce, which totally ruined my plans cause I wanted to go
somewhere with her ALONE, and any time she is with Marce,
that means she's going to spend the night... well turns out
she could only go out for a walk. She came to my house and
we heard a band playing down the street so they were all
excited cause it turned out to be Anti-Hero, (Robert, the
guy I think she has feelings fors, band) so instead of
anything special happening on our anniversary they want to
go see Anti-Hero, how does that make me feel? Well we went
over and Nikki, my girlfriend, was practically all over
Robert's nuts, just the way she looked at him, she didn't
even bother to sit or stand next to me... lately she's
been paying more attention to him then me... ever since
their last show, when he dedicated her a stupid song... she
told me a various amount of times how he dedicated her a
song... I even sometimes catch her flirting with him, she
seems happier around him than with me, whenever she's with
me she just gets all depressed, as if I like killed her
mother or something. It scares me, cause she's had
feelings for him in the past, and not just like a crush, a
huge thing that lasted for a long time... I have perfect
reason to believe all of this... well going back to our
anniversary, after they finished playing, they all went
inside to watch the Anti-Hero video, and I said I'd be
right back, I had to make a quick phone call... I didn't
even have my phone with me, I just ran home, I got chased
by guard dogs also... I got home and locked myself in my
room and had this wierd feeling in my chest, I called my
friend Nick right away, I felt like I could talk to him and
I needed someone to talk to, I started crying... I hadn't
cried in the longest time, much less over a girl... I
don't understand, I try my best to be a good boyfriend I do
whatever I can just to make her happy... I remember the
time when I asked her out, I had made her a mix tape, and
put a song I wrote there on it, I had stayed up all night
trying to record it for her, she said it was the sweetest
thing a guy had ever done for her, I was so happy when she
said yes. We were so happy, we had the best times
together, and the longest talks on the phone, she's so
great. She's the first girl I've ever felt comfortable
talking on the phone with, I actually have things to talk
to her about with. I've done whatever I can to be a good
boyfriend, why is she doing this? It's not a definite that
she does have feelings for him but I mean.. I called her
later and told her how I felt, except I didn't bring up
Robert, I didn't have the guts... but she said she had been
having problems, but it wasn't a family, friend, physical,
or school problem, and she refused to tell me what it
was... what other problem could it be than me? After the
talk on the phone I kinda felt more self asured that she
didn't like Robert, but it was still in my head... before
we hung up I wanted to tell her... I love you... but I
didn't... I think I do love her, people probably think I'm
not old enough to understand what true love is, but I love
her, I mean everyone has a different perspective of love,
there is no true love, and in my perspective, I love Nikki,
even though she hasn't been the same way lately I know it's
still the same old Nikki I knew before, the sweet, caring,
funny, beautiful girl I met two months ago, it's just
things latley have been total dog shit. I wish I could
just magically make it back to the way it was before... how
we'd go long walks together... those were the best... she
was worried a while back that I didn't feel the same way
about her as I used to, I don't see why, I think I should
be the one who has reason to believe that... do I really
make her that depressed? or are her feelings for Robert so
strong that she doesn't have the heart to tell me cause she
doesn't want to hurt my feelings? Well if it's cause she
has feelings for Robert I'm just gonna get even sadder...
and madder... cause if she did, she should tell me now, not
just go on with a lie her whole life, especially to lead me
on like that, I almost made that mistake but that's a whole
other story... I think I should just ask her about it... I
think I will tomorrow if I gain the courage... I don't
wanna be mad at Robert though, none of it's his fault, if I
am mad at him it's just jealousy, he doesn't like Nikki,
he's in love with some other girl, and when he dedicated
that song to Nikki, he meant it in a friendly way, I think
Nikki might have taken it the wrong way... I can't wait
till tomorrow, I need to talk to her now, but it's late and
she's asleep... well I'll look forward to tomorrow cause we
get to open up for The Deviates, that should be awesome...
stupid band concert, I have to wake up at 8:00 in the
morning to go to some christmas concert, what a crock of
shit... I hope my band director's dick falls off and falls
into the crapper, that asshole... well I think I'll fall
asleep now, or try to clear my mind so I can fall asleep
cause I'm tired as hell and won't be able to wake up in the
morning...


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