ruefulformelancholy

long time no see, diary

and now it's 2:30 am and i can't sleep. and i'm still at
work because i don't have a computer connection yet. and i
haven't written in here in forever, and i don't really know
what to say. so hello, diary.

life hasn't changed much. i'm still in lust with GirlX,
although i have moved on. mostly. GirlL likes me, but i
don't like her as anything more than a friend. ah, such is
life. the ones ya like don't like you, and the ones who do,
you don't.

i'm kind of sick of being everybody's friend. basically,
because i don't want anybody to be my friend. i don't want
people to care about my problems. i wonder if this is a
defensive mechanism on my part because i am so fucked in
the head.

or i think i am, anyway.

i really want to run away from my job. it really sucks ass.
and my boss doesn't like me, and i don't even really like
doing it in the first place. but if i can just make it past
my qualifying exams, and escape with a masters, that'll be
something. i don't want this all to have gone to waste.
sometimes i just feel like saying fuck it, though. i'm
moving to canada.

i've been thinking alot more than i should. as usual. about
religion, about life, about politics, about meaning. mostly
about shit that matters, but that doesn't really matter.
ah, such is my life.

if i did move to canada, i'd move to toronto. or vancouver.
if i moved anywhere else, i'd move to portland, or eugene,
or denver. or missoula. or tacoma.

or perhaps it'd be fun to live in chicago for a while. or
nyc. although nyc is kind of a dangerous place to live, i
guess.

or europe. would love to go to europe.

but now i'm just babbling incessently soas to keep myself
awake. here's hoping i make it home. ;)

peace, love, and rugby.
L