Elsedar

Just somewhere to say things
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2001-12-09 08:18:06 (UTC)

Life

I don't get scared often, but tonight I saw that there
are two things that scare the crap out of me. The first,
is the thought that I'm going to wake up being everything I
never wanted to be someday. The Second, is that the people
I'm devoting my life to right now will be gone somday.
It's not like There is any reason I have to ask her to
stay, we aren't dating, I'm not her childs father, to be
honest, we aren't anything more then friends. The love we
have, is, as most can probably tell, one way. I love her,
she see's me as a close friend, and someone she loves, but
more like a brother I'd say. Maybe not, I can't ever claim
to know what anyone thinks with certainty. I know I love
her, and I know I'll do anything to make her happy. I know
that it's more important to see her smile, then to concern
myself with me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the father to her daughter,
the husband to her, and the friend to them both all at the
same time, but with very few of the benifits to it. I
bring home the bacon as it were, I provide, I help punish
the child when she's bad, or at least I try to. I do my
fair share of everything to help around our
place.......::smirks:: our place........what an odd phrase
to say. She'll be around me for at least 6 more months,
possible another 6 after that. She says she's looking for
a person that can be a good father to her children, be
someone that can take care of all of them. Sometimes I can
hear my mind, my heart, maybe my soul SCREAMING......"Can't
you see.......I'm that man....I'm doing it now.....I'm
taking care of you, and I'm taking care of your little
girl"......I've never voiced it though......probably never
will....least not anywhere but these words.
I am often the guy that lends help when it's
needed.......often the person that will go out of his way
to help you if I can.......Just once......once.....I want
someone to look at me and "Thank you.....if it weren't for
you, I don't know what I would have done." Maybe I'm just
wishing on a start that doesn't exhist. Anyways, this is
my ramblings, my thoughts, for my place to get things out
that I'm to cowardly, to worried, to say them aloud. I
doubt anyone will ever read it.


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