listen to my silences
2001-12-09 03:53:51 (UTC)

i'm scared

i'm scared. this whole being dizzy all the time is really
really REALLY scaring me. i know my friends have all been
worried cause of it, but i hadn't been. but now...

the attacks are all the time. i'm having one now. i can't
stop them and they won't go away. i feel so helpless. so
out of control. i would give anything to be undizzy for a
day. to be able to eat anything and do anything without it
affecting me and my ability to function. ANYTHING. AT
ALL. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. to bad it doesn't work that

you know, i don't even remember what it's like to be able
to do some of the simplest things. eat whatever i want and
as much of it as i want for example. or sleep on my back.
or not be dizzy at all, even the slightest bit. or be able
to hear very subtle noises. or be able to speak and
explain things to people. i used to be considerably good
at explaining things. now i can barely string two words
together when i speak sometimes. for instance today i was
trying to say press on the gas and it came out prass on the
guess. i knew it was gonna come out that way but when i
tried to fix it it still did. i don't understand.

but it's getting worse, so i'm going to bed. sleep is my
only escape from it anyways.

final thought: i don't care if you don't mind, i'll be
there not far behind, i will take keep in mind i'll be
there for you